New York City was today holding its breath - literally in some cases - as possible hypochondria broke out in schools and colleges there, and there were also signs of hysterical panic in some areas.
The hypochondria - technically called mediae obsessivium - and panic - worldtradecentri faketerrori - often breaks out in American cities, and may be due to what one doctor called 'Living a sheltered live in the USA, and having nothing better to do except dramatising bland, non-events that the rest of the world wouldn't even notice.
'Like calling a pilot who lands an airliner on water a hero, when every airline pilot in the world is trained to do this on flight simulators. Or calling soldiers heroes as well, when all soldiers in every country in the world are exactly the same - professionally trained fighters, who choose soldiering because they're not smart enough to do anything else.'
But the doctor's comments were criticised by some Americans, and US Secretary of Flying Round The World For No Reason Hillary Clinton said: 'Where am I today? Sudetenland, OK. Is that another place America has such influence over that no-one knows where America is? OK.'
'Now, about this appalling possible outbreak of panic and hypochondria in New York. I once visited New York State, can't remember why - oh yes, it's where I visited once a year to practice being President. And so, my fellow Sudetans', she said through a loud hailer, at the top of her air force jet - Bush Panic One - 's steps, 'the crisis is one that New Yorkers can deal with in a quiet and yet strongly bold way.'
'When I was in Croatia last year, did I panic when the natives there started firing poison arrows at me? Did I start believing I'd caught mad cows' disease because someone in India had? Yes, I mean no.'
'There will be no washing of hands in the White House - hopefully, then maybe Obama and Joe will disappear, and I shall become the 46th President of the United Sates of Panic-Stricken Hypochondria! Mwah hah hah hah hah hah ...'
Hospitals in NYC are stockpiling placebos, and schoolchildren and college students are taking acting lessons for the inevitable 'heroic' interviews that American TV is filled up with.