DATELINE:WASHINGTON-- Janet Napolitano has ordered all practicing Christians to register with the federal government, effective immediately. The head of Homeland Security gave the order after some "chatter" was picked up on a Christian website. Postcards will be handed out to anyone attending any Christian religious service in the month of May. The Muslim and Jewish religions are exempt.
Ms. Napolitano seemed delighted with the new law and intends to aggressively pursue anyone who breaks it.
"We were forced to do this by the Religious Right." said Ms. Napalitano. "Christian believers are more likely to own guns, and to disagree with gay marriage. They must be monitored at all times for the safety of the Republic. Our job at Homeland Security is to prevent attacks before they happen--not after." said the buzz-coiffed bureaucrat.
"The postcard is very simple. It asks your religious affiliation and if you voted for Obama. We already know your name, address and everything else". she stated.
Roman Catholics will be under more intense scrutiny than the other churches. Practicing Roman Catholics must wear monitoring devices at all times or face arrest and execution.
"We know they listen to a foreign leader, which is a little odd, don't you think?? They don't have any American flags at their worship services. What's up with that??" she inquired.
Normal, atheistic Americans are urged to report any Christian threats to Homeland Security at once.
"We must be forever vigilant." said Ms. Napolitano. "The only way for evil to triumph is for good people to sit back and do nothing."