CORAL REEFER, CA - In a scathing report released today by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the nation's law enforcement and drug control agencies were accused of leading drug-sniffing dogs into a life of booze, sex, and addiction. Initially used as a low-tech method to locate illegal drugs in hidden places, the once proud and heroic canines are, years later, most likely found lurking in dark alleys desperately looking for a fix.
PETA spokesperson Bo Wough outlined the typical scenario of such a dog's descent into depravity, debauchery, and despair. As puppies, the drug agency authorities taught these beautiful, innocent dogs to associate the odor of the illicit substances, such as marijuana, cocaine, or LSD with a reward. Once trained, the dogs then worked for several years sniffing out these mind-altering drugs stashed in ships' cargo bays, truck trailers, private cars, and the like.
These sniffer dogs were true professionals, excellent at their jobs, and led to numerous drug busts across the land. For each of their stash finds, the authorities rewarded the dogs with ever increasing amounts of doggie treats and trips to the breeders for evenings of sexual pleasure. These dogs led a great life in our country's service, and not one dog ever complained.
Eventually, however, the dogs aged and were released from the force. Then, unfortunately, the serious problems started. Trained to associate hard drugs with bodily pleasure, the retired dogs soon began roaming the streets, docks, and shipping terminals, still hunting for the drugs which would lead to their much needed rewards. Only, at this stage, a drug find did not lead to any tasty reward.
Growing hungrier and weaker, the dogs began to ingest the drugs they found. Needless to say, the resulting mental highs these dogs attained quickly led to all-consuming addiction. As with humans, the addictions led to a rapid downward spiral. The dogs soon lost their self-esteem, their families, and their friends. They branched out into trying other drugs, became alcoholics, and began to solicit sex on street corners from anything that moved. The once proud service dogs became desperate, wild animals, falling blindly into the dog-eat-dog world. Many died. Others wished they had.
By pointing out the horrible fates of the drug-sniffing dogs, PETA hopes to bring an end to this inhumane practice in the war on drugs. Today, with the welfare of these fabulous creatures in mind, PETA called for the immediate legalization of all mind-altering substances, so that no more dogs will ever have to be trained to find this no-longer-illicit stuff. With this call, PETA has vowed to save all dogs from the evils of drug addiction.