Bigfoot, the eight foot primate from the California mountains, has announced that he is leaving the state for "more normal, greener pastures." In a press conference at the Redwood National Forest Ranger Station, the creature previously believed to be only mythical made the following statement:
"My family has been in this area for over 3000 years, and everything was fine for a long time. The past 30 years, however, have seen just too many changes."
"I'm used to walking through the woods and coming across a couple making out or having intercourse on their picnic blanket. In the past, it was always a male and a female. I'd scream, they'd run, and I'd get a nice lunch and we'd have some new clothes and blankets."
"Lately, it's always either two guys (which is just sick) or two girls. My wife and daughters don't like those butch things that Lesbians wear and these people never have food or blankets. The gays always want to be "natural" in the grass. Most of them don't know nature and end up doing it in poison ivy, but that's another story."
Anyway, with Tom Hanks on his gay marriage crusade and trying to run more normal people out of the woods and fill it up with nothing but fags, we've got to get out of here."
"We're moving to a state where we know that a man feels comfortable sneaking a girl into the woods and boinking her brains out. We're moving to a state where they still beat up fudge packers outside of gay bars."
The Bigfoot family announced that they are moving to Utah.