Steve Austin, the retired astronaut and government agent who was the first man outfitted with "bionic" limbs, has been denied any "tune-up" funds in the now multi-trillion dollar bailout. In the crash of an experimental vehicle in 1974, Colonel Austin was outfitted with then top secret artificial legs, an arm, and an eye which gave him nearly super human strength, speed, and sight.
At his home in a Palm Springs retirement center, he was confined to a wheel chair. Austin made the following statement to the press:
"I gave my body for this country, and what do I get? Air Force One can get new parts and upgrades. The Presidential limo gets an oil change every three thousand miles. Do I get any parts and service? Does Mr. Goodwrench ever kick my tires?"
"I feel more like I've been kicked to the curb instead."
"At least my viagra prescription keeps parts of me up and running."
In a statement from the White House, President Barack Obama said that "this country does not need to be maintaining thirty-five year old machinery that has been retired. We've mothballed the F-14, and we need to mothball the Colonel."
Upon hearing this statement, Colonel Steve Austin gave the President the bionic bird.