President Bush spent the better part of his day today reassessing his Presidency and thanking John Kerry for assisting his bid to retain the Republican nomination.. "I'm not sure that I would have done the same thing if the shoe was on the other hand" said the embattled commander and chief. "I guess I've misunderestimated my opponent" Kerry for his part said that revealing the plot was never in question," From a purely political point of view it is a no-brainer; there is no one in this country I would rather run against." Kerry learned about the plot to remove the President from November's ticket from former White House ingrate Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi for his part was attempting to ingratiate himself to Kerry; the man he believes is most likely to become the next President.
Fearing the loss of the White House in 2004, the fascist wing of the Republican Party, also know as ‘NEO-CONs,' had planned an elaborate scheme to recapture the White House without Bush. The ringleader of the plot was undersecretary of defense Paul Wolfowitz. Speaking off-the-record Wolfowitz is quoted as saying that Bush was "no longer electable" and that "it is time for a more skilled liar" to sit in the Oval Office. The coup de'tat was first conceived by Ahmed Chalabi in Dec 03' as he and Wolfowitz watched the capture of Saddam Hussein over brandy at Chalabi's palatial estate in Baghdad. Chalabi has distanced himself from the plot.
"Chalabi is a genius" Wolfowitz was quoted as saying, "His political timing and understanding of the American electoral system is second to no one". The original plot was to have Bush shoot himself with the pistol that was retrieved from Saddam's spider hole. Bush was unable to figure out how to remove the guns safety mechanism and as such a new plot was devised.
The Office of Special Plans(OSP) sought to convince the both American people and President Bush that large numbers of homosexual American Army deserters with pro-terrorist tendencies were violently opposed to Bush's reelection. The OSP planned to strategically release forged papers and false intelligence to the public which call into question the very security of the embattled American President. The forged papers alleged that thousands of gay men were fleeing the military and joining al-chiada sleeper cells. "Convincing Bush to drop out is the easy part" laughed Wolfowitz, "he's a bigger coward than me". Wolfowitz's cowardice is well known among Washington insiders having once wet his pants after being asked to meet with citizens he believed opposed the Iraq war.
The strategy was to come to fruition the week before the Republican National Convention and was to coincide with debate in the US Senate over gay marriage. At this point the President was to decline the Republican nomination for ‘personal reasons'. The assumption of the plan is that it would "fire up the 'red states'". Wolfowitz excitedly stuttered, "It would completely polarize the electorate against Kerry. Bush's replacement would be able to count on the anti-gay sentiments of the Southern states." "We could charge that Kerry was pro terrorist, pro-desertion, and against family values" laughed Wolfowitz, "He wouldn't have a chance".
Senator John McCain and Secretary of State Colin Powell were to replace Bush and Cheney on the ticket in November. Neither McCain nor Powell was available for comment. Powell is reportedly upset with being relegated to the number two spot on the conspiracy ticket.
In keeping with the long established Bush Administration policy of never acknowledging a mistake - no action will be taken against the conspirators. "Paul has many years of good service left in him," Bush was quoted as saying, "Let it not be said that I am not a forgiving man. Nor can it not be unsaid that I did not ever disapprove of a forward thinking strategy nor have I read a memo I didn't not first read first without carefully vetting the vettable parts". No translation of Bush's remarks was available. Wolfowitz will continue to serve in his position at the pentagon. Future President Kerry will continue his policy of allowing the Bush administration to completely disintegrate prior to offering any substantial policy declarations.