US President Barack Obama today gave firm support to cutting your toenails regularly, as well as brushing your teeth at least twice a day.
'Let us not sound like Kennedy', he said, not sounding like Kennedy, 'let us not sound like Martin Luther King, brothers and sisters', sounding like a little kid, 'let us take our nails, let us take our toes, let us take ourselves and say - we can cut those nails!'
And as people across the world wondered just how idiotic you have to be to become an American President, he picked up a little dog and continued: 'I say to you, this dog is a dog of change, a dog of hope, a dog of a continual pompositness to cover my lack of substance.'
'You thought George was bad, now you've got a Pres that wants to talk to the nation about puppy dogs. And goes to Europe to tell Europeans what to do, the same Europeans that have told Americans what to do for the last 500 years.'
'I have a dream that one day Americans will elect an intelligent President, but I woke up before the dream came true, if I last til Christmas I'll be lucky. Bush was a cretin but everyone knew what his administration stood for. I was hyped into being intelligent and smart and a figurehead for America, and now look at me, already scraping the barrel by running to Europe and getting cutesie puppy stories in the news.'
But US Secretary for Toenail Growth, Mrs Athleticky Footon, had this to say on the subject: 'Just as Obama has turned into a grinning little boy, I've turned into an escapee from a nut house. I look mad, I live in a delusional world where I'm Secretary of State but know absolutely nothing about world affairs, let alone what day it is, or how to cut my own toenails.'
'The pair of us sum up how the leaders of the once-mighty United States of America are now like your embarrassing cousins, you know, the inbred geeky ones with mental ages of ten that you laugh at, but let them make a fool of themselves anyway for a bit of fun.'
And Mr Obama added: 'We will take these clippers, we will go to Paris with these clippers, we will find a puppy dog, we will find a sick bag, and then we will say - puppies, toenails, skin color, yes. Iraq, world finance, economic planning, national healthcare, Afghanistan, interest rate cuts, Israel war criminals, no. Can I go out and play now, Mrs Footon?'
'He's a good boy really', she said, patting him on the head, 'but he needs to mention puppies, toenails and teeth more often. Heck, ever since JFK every single American politician has chompers the size of tombstones, maybe Bugs Bunny will become the next Pres, he has all the qualifications - big teeth, and lives in a cartoon fantasy world like me and Obama do.'
The European Union was unavailable for comment, as it was too busy arranging trade deals with China and Russia to be interested in the USA any more.