The United States Government announced today that it is speeding up delivery of bailout funds to the poorest banks hard hit by the economic crisis. The plan calls for newly unemployed workers to deliver these funds as quickly as possible to these ailing banks using hybrid Rolls Royce convertibles.
The program consists of paying every willing unemployed worker $5.00 per hour (plus tips) to deliver bags full of cash to bank C.E.O.s around the country, some of whom have been waiting months for their bailout cash.
"The recession cannot and will not be used as an excuse for not delivering on our promise of help to these poor banks," said U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. "Some of these banks have had to trade in their Mercedes Benz limousines for regular Mercedes Benz cars because they have had to wait so long. That is unacceptable. We need to get this money to them faster so that we avoid tragedies such as that."
More than $25 billion of the aid will be hand delivered within the next week by struggling Americans who have recently lost their jobs. "It's a win win situation. The banks need their money, and these citizens need jobs" continued Geithner.
Asked how the department came up with the plan, Geithner stated that the banks flew him and his staff to Hawaii on gold plated private jets flown by exquisitely trained and very rare albino monkeys that also served them unicorn egg omelets on Snuffleupagus ivory plates. Once in Hawaii, they stayed at a newly built cathedral style hotel built specifically for the meeting and drank wine that was made from grapes found in the Garden of Eden. "Once we were all settled in, it was quite easy to come up with this solution" said Geithner.
Newly unemployed workers are urged to call the Bailout Delivery Driver Job Hotline at
1-800-PEASENT for a listing of available driver jobs in your area. Drivers will also need to be custom fitted for their uniforms which are made of Bald Eagle skin and colored red white and blue using babies blood, dolphin sperm, and actual concentrated chunks of the sky.