Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Somali Pirates

Saturday, 11 April 2009

image for US Navy to use new "sex spray" on Somali Pirates to prevent gun-toting semen from escaping
US Naval helicopter prepares to release its non-lethal "load" of "sex spray" onto the Somali pirates

Somali, Africa - One of the more controversial rescue plans to prevent captured US citizens and their pirate captors from reaching the shores of Somalia calls on US Naval helicopters to be outfitted with the new Belfast 'sex spray' that has recently been proven to prevent premature ejaculation in men.

Use of the 'sex spray' as non-lethal weaponry in the lighting swift operation is the first of its kind, raising cause of concern for its effectiveness in demobilizing the pirates on the open sea.

"The Naval operation involving the new 'sex spray' is simple really," reassured a White House spokesman for the Obama administration in an attempt to give the public perception of involvement and strength to the American people and the world. "As the helicopters fly overhead, they will release it onto the Somali Pirates below. That will prevent any gun touting semen from escaping."

Use of the 'sex spray' as untried non-lethal weapon in the field is intended to send a message to America's enemies regarding the resolve and new face of compassion of her recently elected president, Barack Obama.

"As the 'sex spray' takes effect on the Somali pirates, they will notice almost immediately a full and sustainable erection," continued the White Spokesman. "And while they are busy attempting to knock their woodies down, that's when our crack extraction team will be inserted, liberating the hostage during the diversion."

If everything goes according to plan, the Somali pirates will give in to their male biological urges and instinctive seek out a visual masturbation aid, dropping one gun while grabbing the other in the process.

"Good luck finding a free 'Vogue', 'Elle' or 'Geographic Society' magazine on that tiny lifeboat," joked a spokesman for the Navy. "But seriously, it will be a messy job, but our men are well trained and well protected, wearing night vision goggles, plastic ponchos and ankle-high waterproof slip less rubber sole boots."

Upon their anticipated return, the Navy will have hot showers for the extraction team and the freed hostage, as well a crisis team on standby, consisting of trained psychologists specializing in treating combat fatigue and exposure to erotic Gay Swiss pornography.

"They should be able to treat any retuning casualties suffering from the so-called 'blowback' effect, due to unpredictable shifting wind conditions generated by the ocean currants, helicopter blades or a fellow team member's questionable sexuality," said a Navy psychiatrist. "I won't lie to you. It will be touch and go for awhile. And many a good men may never fully recover, as President Clinton's 'Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy' is put through the wringer."

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