Written by Peter Higgins
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Monday, 28 June 2004

Inmates at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, imprisoned as part of the USA's ongoing War on Terror, are being offered six free* ringtones when they buy any three different meals from the cafeteria in any one week. Announcing the offer yesterday, a visibly aroused Dick Cheney chuckled, "See? This is how nice we are to our prisoners! Any talk of harsh treatment, of torture, of "stress positions" and all that garbage, pales into insignificance when you see the facts. SIX free* ringtones! How awesome is that? I only have three on my cell phone: Hey Jude, Yellow Submarine and F**k Tha Police."
Controversy has surrounded Guantanamo Bay ever since it was first announced that prisoners of the War on Terror were to be held there indefinitely and without trial. This latest offer is seen by many as an attempt to divert criticism away from human rights abuses at the detention centre.
A spokesman for Amnesty International told us that, despite the generosity of the offer, "When you look at the terms and conditions, this is actually pretty shabby. Yes, they get the ringtones, but they have to sign up to a relatively expensive tariff and text messages are still prohibitively priced."
In response, Cheney just waved at our reporter from a distance and shouted, "Pretty good, huh?" several times.
In the past few months, inmates have been offered special discount rates on iPods (although only on the 15GB model) as well as the chance to learn ballroom dancing, tap, and ballet.

*Free ringtones only available on premium rate tariff. Customer must sign confession and provide names and addresses of at least ten other terrorists.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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