Chinese Secretary of State Laung Dong announced this morning that all dogs in America were being held as collateral for the latest Chinese bailout of the America Treasury. The startling revelation was confirmed by the U.S. Undersecretary of Agriculture Ben Dover who issued a terse statement outlining the treaty. According to Mr. Dover there was no need for panic for the great majority of American dogs owners.
"Only the dogs of people unable to pay the $200 emergency tax will be rounded up for the initial shipment to China. However, all dog owners are required to register their dogs at the nearest Wal-Mart at once. "
Contacted by phone Secretary Dong added:
"Chinese people very sorry to cause unhappiness to American people, but due to unfortunate drought and shortage of food People's Treasury requires shipment of dogs to begin at once. All will be humanely boiled in soy oil for 15 minutes to destroy fleas and improve texture. So please to be taking beloved pets to register at nice Wal-Mart at once. Pretty soon every Wal-Mart to have snack bar where round-eyed people can enjoy traditional Chinese cooking."
As outrage builds among animal rights groups, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have quipped, "I tried to talk those Chinks into taking Monica Lewinsky instead but they insisted they wanted mutts, not sluts."
In a possibly related development unconfirmed rumors have it that the Treasury Department is seeking a bailout by the Vatican Bank. What is known is that Michael Jackson has secretly converted to Roman Catholicism and has become a Jesuit and has indicated that American parents will soon have to register their twelve-year-old boys at the nearest pizza parlor.