Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: Music, elevator

Monday, 23 May 2005

Ladue, MO--A woman who was stuck in a Schnuck's supermarket bathroom for 14 hours without her cell phone and forced to listen to an endless loop of "elevator" and New Age music, while she repeatedly yelled for help to no avail, has filed a lawsuit seeking $14 million in damages for severe emotional pain and suffering.

The woman, who does not want to be named because she would be embarassed if her Ladue friends and neighbors knew she did her own grocery shopping, was finally released when a bakery worker--arriving at 4 am to start making brioche, croissants, and Danish--heard her sobbing loudly and screaming "I can't listen to this music anymore!"

"The door had swollen shut, probably from all the expensive perfume in the air, and she couldn't push it open," the supermarket employee said. "I kicked it in, and there she was, huddled in a corner with her hands over her ears."

The woman was first rushed to Barnes Hospital, where her vital signs were checked and pronounced fine. However, her pallor, clenched teeth, and frenzied mien alarmed physicians, who decided to transport her to Powell Hall, home of the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra. There, the entire orchestra convened in an emergency session to play several hours of classical music to coax her back to mental and musical health.

"All our mothers made us take music lessons when we were kids," said the chief of staff. "We know all about the healing power of music."

"We did some Mahler, some Prokofiev, a little Rachmanininoff, a little Wagner, and some Chopin," said the symphony's principal violinist. "The important thing wasn't what we played; it was to get some classical music into her head and erase the memory of the horrors she endured."

"It's a delight to play for just one person, especially one in a semi-comatose state," added the principal clarinetist. "When we play for a large audience, we've got the coughers, and the sneezers, and the people who unwrap candy, and the fidgety people, and the people who can't turn off their cell phones...you name it, they're in the audience. I wish we could lock all of them in a bathroom somewhere."

After the private concert, the woman felt well enough to head home, vowing never to shop for her own groceries again unless she was carrying a portable CD player, several CDs, and back-up batteries.

As a result of this incident, the St. Louis Symphony is said to be in talks with the corporate office of Schnuck's supermarket concerning a possible exchange program. "Patrons who repeatedly annoy us during a concert will be shipped to bathrooms with sticking doors and forced to listen to horrible music," said the conductor. "When they are finally released, a personal shopper will assist them in picking out non-audible foods that can be eaten at subsequent concerts without annoying the musicians.

"The orchestra gets rid of these nuisance concertgoers. The supermarkets gets a captive, and hungry, audience. It's a win-win situation for all of us," agreed a supermarket spokesperson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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