WASHINGTON D.C. - The United States Treasury Department has just announced that it will need to have a federal bailout in order to keep it from going bankrupt.
Assistant Secretary of The Treasury Claudine Mezzoforte, 47, told President Barack Obama that due to the countless billions and billions of dollars that we have been having to provide in Bailout money to Chrysler, General Motors, AIG, Bank of America, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Mac and Cheese, Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and The Goombalini Family, the United States Treasury is on the verge of collapsing and having to file for chapter 11.
President Obama informed the Treasury Department that so far on his G20 tour he has managed to raise $3 million.
The Department of The Treasury replied that, that was great but that in order to stay afloat they will need to have at least $50 billion by Easter Sunday, April 12.
The president has said that he will be making some phone calls and see if he can't get the $50 billion by then.
He stated that he has already spoken to Oprah Winfrey and that she has graciously agreed to lend the United States $1 billion dollars on top of the $2 billion which she lent the U.S. back in late January of this year.
He also revealed that Ms. Winfrey, who just two months ago purchased the Mississippi River, plans on selling it to a group of Mexican investors headed by actress Salma Hayek.
And Ms. Winfrey aka The "Big O" has promised the president that the entire amount that she receives from the sale of the river will be placed in a special account in The District of Columbia Bank of Banks which the president can use for everyday expenses such as jet fuel for Air Force One, manicures and pedicures for the "First Mama," and her mother, the "First Grandma," after-hours beer parties for the White House gardening staff, and lunch money for the "First Kiddoes," Malia and Sasha.
Delwyn Novelmix, a spokesperson for Ms. Winfrey said that Winfrey has also agreed to let the United States Navy use her personal state-of-the-art Polaris submarine, The USS Rosa Parks free of charge.
And furthermore, Ms. Winfrey, who last Christmas purchased a red, white, and blue Lamborghini for $1.3 million says that she will put it up for sale on eBay and all the money she receives from its sale she will donate to the U.S. Treasury Department.
Mr. Novelmix said that Ms. Winfrey did state that she hopes that other rich-as-hell American citizens like Donald Trump, Clint Eastwood, Ann Coulter, Siegfried & Roy, Miley Cyrus, Nancy Pelosi, and Ryan Seacrest will make similar gestures.
In other news. Governor Sarah Palin says that she is proud to announce that her ex-future son-in-law, Levi Johnston, who got her daughter Bristol pregnant and then decided not to marry her like the piece of reindeer shit said he would is working at a Wasilla, Alaska Jack-in-The-Box, making minimum wage filling up the ketchup dispensers, frying curly fries, and replacing the pink tablets in the men's room urinals.