Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 26 June 2004

(Langley, Va; Saturday 26 June) Freshly released files from the President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) may contain damning new evidence that erratic US billionaire Ted Forstmann was hired by President Bill Clinton to mastermind the early demise of Princess Diana.

Documents seen by Our Man Behind the Conspiracy Theory suggest that Clinton desperately needed the favour because Diana was blackmailing him and threatening to expose that the present "Chelsea Clinton" is a doppleganger lookalike of the original, who was murdered by her parents many years ago.

Forstmann, who shared secret trysts with Diana, used his wealth and contacts to ply Diana's Ritz Hotel chauffeur with alcohol and pills, and arranged for their limousine to be tracked by mercenary papparazzi - looking as if they really cared about who she was shagging at the time.

Forstmann's connections include senior Mossad black-ops executives linked to disgraced US financier Marc Rich - who won a presidential reprieve and official pardon when Clinton exited office in 2000.

More worrying still is the new evidence that shows Diana was head of Al Qaeda's financial core and personally responsible for fraudulent transfers of £25 billion belonging to the Queen. The money trail that led to the recovery of this fortune shows a disturbing link between Japan's Sony Corporation and hari-kiri-esque activities of cronies of Osama bin Laden.

Ted Forstmann is unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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