Written by Bureau
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Topics: Lobster

Monday, 30 March 2009

image for Lobster Boy Dead At 51!

Brandy Fortneer of Wichita, Kansas says her husband, Augustus, 51, a sideshow performer and part time criminal who went by the theatrical name of "Lobster Boy" because of a genetic deformity which left him with fingers-attached together lobster-claw-like hands, always beat and pinched her and their children so severely that she had no other choice but to hire the next-door neighbor to come over and shoot him.

"Why not submerge him in gradually heating water?" asked the neighbor.

"I'm serious, Hadley. He's already killed one person that I know of" Mrs. Fortneer allegedly told the neighbor, one Reginald Bratcher. "He pinched my ass so hard last night I look like I have three cheeks this morning."

Since Fortneer had been convicted for the 1976 murder by drowning of one of his daughter's boyfriends and then was released on probation, she believed him when he said he would kill her like he did their daughter's boyfriend if she filed for divorce.

The neighbor, Bratcher, was convicted of murder and conspiracy, and sentenced to 25 years in prison.

"I had to go kill Lobster Boy myself", confessed Bratcher. "Meanwhile Superman over in Metropolis sat there on his ass. Lobster Boy must have had something pretty good on Kent, who thinks nobody knows who he is. I hope Crab Man gets him by the pubic hairs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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