Written by Dan Margherita
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Friday, 25 June 2004

image for Martha Stewart: Change National Terror Alert Colors
MARTHA STEWART ON COLOR: LOFTY PURPOSE

NEW YORK (June 25) --- Domestication dominatrix Martha Stewart today called upon Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge to "get rid of those harsh, scary colors in the national terror alert system" and use instead softer, muted pastel shades that will encourage people to be vigilant, "without frightening them half to death!"

"Color is the most powerful element in our lives," said Stewart. "Understanding how to use color properly can help us as a nation to achieve our goal to become a pleasant and undivided people again." She then recommended these colors and definitions:

OLD ALERT
Red (Severe)
Orange (High)
Yellow (Elevated)
Blue (Guarded)
Green (Low)

NEW ALERT
Petal Pink (Rigorous)
Peach (Exalted)
Lemon (Lofty)
Baby Blue (Watchful)
Sea Foam (Ebb Tide)

Noting that yellow (or lemon) is our current, usual state of alert, Stewart rhapsodized, asking, "Wouldn't it be nice that we would be living every day of our lives in a lofty style? Isn't that what all Americans want? Shouldn't "We the people' aspire to this ideal?"

She continued. "And if something does go awry, well, just imagine Dan Rather or someone on the news reassuring the public that a bomb or something went off somewhere but, have courage; things are just peachy!"

Secretary Ridge was unmoved. "For someone whose color scheme will soon be black and white stripes, she talks a good game. This administration has taken scaring the public to an art form and we see no reason to stop now. Most people don't even know that there are five colors anyway but if they don't like the system, well, as Vice-President Cheney might say, F*** ‘em!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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