AUSTIN, TX - Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in critical condition after being shot in the face by former President Bush at the latter's Prairie Chapel Ranch in Crawford, TX.
According to witnesses, Bush saw a squirrel foraging at the base of an oak tree and decided it might be humorous to scare the little critter half to death. He aimed into some bushes a bit to the right of the squirrel, snickering "heh, heh, heh" just before pulling the trigger. Unbeknownst to Bush, Cheney was copping a squat behind those very same bushes.
Paramedic Eule Lovitt recounted, "As we was hoistin' the gurney up into the ambulance, he looked at me and whispered all soft-like, he says, 'We was almost two miles out; I couldn't wait.' Then, on the way to the hospital, he kept sayin' how it was all weird and stuff because he felt all these little stings in his face and neck, and then heard a gun blast like a split second later."
When Bush got wind of the fact that Cheney had his pants down around his ankles, trying to go "number 2" when Bush blasted him, witnesses say the former President "laughed his ass off." Bush then began a relentless and "somewhat annoying" inquiry as to whether or not Cheney had fallen into his own excrement, then became sullen and withdrawn when the requested information was not forthcoming.
Cheney is in stable but critical condition as the incident also triggered a heart attack; physicians estimate this is Cheney's forty-fifth. He is currently under close watch at Navarro Regional Hospital in Waco, TX.