(Washington DC)-- Michelle Obama honored an old African tradition on the first day of Spring and planted an herbal garden at the White House. The First Lady's African roots include many powerful warlocks and witches, reaching back for thousands of years. She planted the magickal herbs to help her hold onto and increase her powers in the coming year.
Michelle first planted a row of foxglove for her garden. Foxglove dazzles the eyes of onlookers. Any witch wearing a leaf of the plant bewitches men and women. Even an old hag has a chance to pose for the cover of Vague magazine.
Michelle next planted a row of yarrow in her magickal little plot. Yarrow is used to sooth the voice. A tea from yarrow changes even the most sharp and hateful of voices into a smooth, silky contralto. Only the most fat and ugly of Republicans is immune from the charms of the yarrow.
She completed her garden with the most important plant of all, Witch Hazel. A poultice made from this herb can turn even the gayest of men heterosexual.
Michelle completed her garden, but was then faced with a horrible decision. She had to sacrifice one of her daughters to the god MumboJumbo for the charms to work. She brushed off her dirty hands and went walking towards the White House.
"Well, every good thing requires sacrifice." she said as she went into the kitchen, looking for a butcher knife.