Washington, DC - Barack Obama made history yet again today, giving a speech on Last Call with Carson Daly where he explained how money from the board game Monopoly will become the new national standard.
"Gone are the days when Americans on Baltic Avenue have to bow to the demands of Uncle Moneybags leering down from his hotel on Park Place."
When Carson Daly asked about inflation, Obama responded, "Each American will get a stimulus bonus of $15,140, regardless of his or her income. With this money, they'll be able to buy houses, cars, and even thimbles. And those who take advantage of Americans by putting hotels on their properties will go directly to jail, and will not collect two hundred dollars."
Asked how he felt about the new laws outlawing the wealthy from taking money from the Free Parking space, Water Works employee John Mitchell said, "They'll just hire lawyers to roll them doubles and be right back on the street in less than three turns."
Political pundit Rush Limbaugh took a harsher tack:
"Obama neglected to mention in his speech that the government bailout of all four national railroads gives him a monopoly, and that hard-working Americans will be spending most of their stimulus money on transportation."
Failed presidential candidate John McCain was also less-than-enthusiastic, stating, "By mortgaging our Illinois Avenues and our St. James Places, we'll be forcing our children to circle around in an endless circuit, just trying to make ends meet."
Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska's 'community chest,' was busy acting in her upcoming adult film debut and could not be reached for comment.