EL PASO - President Barack Obama has decided to send 10,000 U.S. Troops down to the Texas-Mexico border due to the ever increasing violence being caused by the warring drug cartels in sunny old Mexico.
The troops will be commanded by Brigadier General Waylon Joshua "Tracer Bullet" Strayhorn. The president said that the troops are members of three divisions, The 99th Indiana Infantry aka "The Crouching Hossier Farmboys"; the 117th West Virginia Armored Division aka "The Rolling Tabacky Heels"; and The 13th Arkansas Artillery Division aka "The Ozark Mountains Backwoods Moonshining Fellers."
Speaking before a LULAC (League of United Latin American Citizens) meeting in the little West Texas town of Salt Flat, the president said that he is not going to put up with any more bullsh*t (bullshit) from these lawless Mexican drug cartels.
He remarked that he is fed up with hearing that the Northern Guacamole Cartel is fighting with the Baja California Pinata Cartel and the Multi-Colored Serape Cartel of Sonora is battling it out with the Mexicali Maracas Family Cartel.
Brobama, as he likes to be called, said that he is already pissed off that Michelle (The First Mama) and their two daughters Malia and Sasha (The First Kiddoes) had to cancel their planned Spring Break trip down to Cancun because of all of this on-going drug cartel cr*p (crap).
President Obama said that he emailed the Mexican President Nacho Winslow and told him that he really needs to get his sh*t (shit) together down their in the land of sunshine, senoritas, serapes, soccer, salsa, and Salma (Hayek):
- The Mexican President emailed Brobama: LMAO.
And Brobama emailed him back: STWCSOIGDTMAIPKYA.
Presidente Winslow emailed him and asked: What is STWCSOIGDTMAIPKYA?
And Brobama wrote back: Stop the warring cartel sh*t (shit) or I'll go down to Mexico Myself and I'll personally kick your a*s (ass).
Winslow emailed him back: LOL.
Obama then wrote: KMA.
And Winslow emailed: Hey you KMA Gringo.
And Obama replied: Gringo?...Gringo? Hey hombre (man), have you not seen photos of me or what?
To which Winslow wrote: JK (just kidding) my tall, dark, and handsome amigo (friend). :-)
And Obama answered back: Back at ya, my tall, dark, and handsome friend (amigo). ;-)
President Obama held a news conference on the campus of Carlos Santana High School in El Paso. He was asked if it was true that the drug cartels were so rich that one of them had actually purchased an aircraft carrier from Russia.
Obama nodded affirmatively and replied that it was indeed his understanding that the Baja California Pinata Cartel had in fact purchased the Russian aircraft carrier the RSS Moscow Maiden from Russia and had renamed it the MS Fighting Bull Numero Uno.
He also said that the Mexican ambassador to the United States Gizmo "Enchilada" Fondue, 47, informed him that just last week, the richest drug cartel in the entire Republic of Mexico, The Refried Bean Cartel, based in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico had offered the Mexican government 14 million pesos ($1 million: U.S.) for the Mexican battleship, The MS Montezuma's Revenge.
Fondue confessed that even tough on the surface it appeared to be a very tempting offer President Winslow had to turn it down.
So as of now the 10,000 American troops, many veterans of the Iraqi War and the War in Afghanistan will remain stationed on the outskirts of El Paso on an old abandoned Montgomery Ward parking lot.
They have named their Army headquarters Camp Mrs. Robinson, in honor of "First Mama" Michelle Obama's mother Marian Shields Robinson aka "The First Grandma."
In related news. Lou Dobbs of CNN has announced that he was told by reliable sources that President Obama approved the hiring of 120 illegal aliens to serve as scouts for the U.S. Army troops.
The 120 illegal undocumented workers will be paid minimum wage, and will be provided with health benefits, dental care, U.S. Army scout uniforms, meals, toiletries (i.e. chapstick, deodorant, and mouthwash), and plenty of cerveza (beer).