Written by Vondrook
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Topics: Health, Obesity

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

The Board of Health issued a statement today regarding the obesity epidemic that has been plaguing the United States.

"We are redefining the classification of those who are considered 'obese,'" said Board of Health spokesman Robert Yollum. "As of yesterday, an obese person was 50-200 pounds overweight, but now that group of people will be classified as 'fit.'"

The decision to redefine the health chart came as no surprise to committee members. "What else can we do," said Board of Health chairman Alice Wetzel. "We have warned people about fatty foods, sugary foods, and the risks involved in eating so terribly. We have pummeled Americans over the head with this kind of knowledge; We have opened non-profit organizations for those who want help, who need help. We have offered free diet and exercise programs towards a healthier, longer life span, but no. Nobody wants it. They want cheeseburgers."

The former obese community has taken a labored sigh of relief. "I always knew I was thin," said Dwight Scotch, who stands at 5'8" and weighs 330 pounds. "It was so terrible being labeled as 'obese,' and I'm glad the medical community has finally stopped discriminating against us." A bead of sweat ran down Scotch's cheek as he raised his fist high with pride, "I'm fit!" he cried.

The word 'obese' is still used as a classification for the overweight, but only for those who were once defined as 'morbidly obese,' those weighing 200 pounds or more overweight. The term 'morbidly obese' is no longer allowed to be used, and has been stricken from the dietitian vocabulary.

"It's a huge step, I know," said Yollum. "But we have been preparing for this for quite some time now."

Upon the announcement, the obesity rate for Americans has dropped nearly 45%, making the United States one of the most fit nations in the world. Sadly, however, the rate for diabetes and heart disease has mysteriously tripled among those who are medically defined as 'fit,' and Americans are fearing that a debilitating unknown virus may be the culprit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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