Written by Vondrook
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Topics: Health, Gym

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

The corporate, nationwide gym, Bally Total Fitness has announced plans to reach out to the shy by providing a "Judgement Free" zone in all of their gyms across the country.

"I can see how some might be intimidated by our commercials," said Marcia Freeling, spokeswoman for the company, "On television, we show nothing but hot, sexy, sweaty, nearly nude women doing dance aerobics in these large halls with flashing lights, and hippy-hoppy dance grooves thumping, but by doing that, we are intimidating the porkers-I mean, the slightly obese who may not feel they can find social comfort at our gyms."

The "Judgment Free" zone, set to be built in the fitness centers by June, will be located in the center of the workout facility, but will be enclosed by one-way mirrors that will look outside-in, therefore eliminating the embarrassment a shy person may feel by not being able to see others point and laugh at them as they work out.

"Not only will the people in the 'Judgement Free' zone be unable to see others criticize them," Freeling continued, "we also will have state of the art exercise equipment that will make their 'workout' more like a 'fun-out!'"

Included in the "Judgement Free" zone are 10 top of the line treadmills whose design is more of a gigantic squeaking wheel, where patrons can go for what they call "fun-runs" for hours and hours of enjoyment.

If members get thirsty after their "fun-runs," a brand new state-of-the-art water refreshment canister system is placed on the far wall, whereby pressing a small button on the bottom of the enormous tube can dispense ice-cold, purified water.

After cooling down a bit, members can travel through an extremely large series of connected see through pipes, where members can crawl through on their hands and knees and travel up, down, around, or if they feel like, nest inside for a few quiet hours and take a nap.

Because of the enclosure of the "Judgement Free" zone, executives at Bally Total Fitness are worried about the natural odors that may not escape from the room, and have decided to place down an inch of dried, cedar wood chips on the ground to absorb the smell and create a continuously refreshing aroma in the "Judgement Free" zone.

"We just know that this new idea will keep people from feeling ostracized by other members," Freeling said in closing, "After all, we are all human, and we should be treating others as such."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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