A withered, battered, and betrayed Easter Bunny held a press conference earlier today to announce his retirement from the Easter holiday.
Sometime late last night, the folks living on the 800 block of Cedar Street were awaken by an earth-shattering scream, followed by an insurmountable bout of terrible profanity. Little Corey McCormick, age 8, allegedly placed an antique bear trap outside the front door of his house before going to bed. The trap snapped shut on the Easter Bunny's right leg, leaving him with only one option: to gnaw off his own leg to freedom.
"I don't know what that sick little bastard had planned for me," he told reporters. "But believe you me, I wasn't going to stick around for it." When asked on why he couldn't wait for a sympathetic neighbor to come outside and offer assistance, the Easter Bunny raised his arms and said, "And what? Risk being discovered?!" Flashbulbs popped. "Little tyrant probably has my foot-stump made into a giant key-chain by now."
The Easter Bunny is used to the occasional 5-10 year old child attempting to trap him.
"I'm familiar with the upside down cardboard box with a carrot inside, but I've never seen anything as demented as this. I blame this kid's parents, and the surrounding community for raising and tolerating such a hellion." Then he clapped his hands together. "That's it. I'm done. If anyone asks why there's no more Easter Bunny, it's because of Corey McCormick, 865 Cedar Street, Portland, Maine, 14376. And Corey, if you're listening, I'm spreading word to the Tooth Fairy and to Santa Clause about your sadistic little musings. You're done, kiddo. Finished!" Then he made a "cut" motion across his neck and tried his best to keep his dignity while grabbing his crutches and hobbling haphazardly from the podium.