Following hot on the heels of teen queens Vanessa Hudgens and Brenda Song's neon lit abduction (unopposed) tonight on Hollywood Boulevard this evening, disturbing news has reached us that top heart-throb Rob Pattinson has also been abducted following a dismal failure to beat up Siamese pirate twins BuckwheatsButt and Percival Pissgums, despite the latters having shorter peg-legs and an uneven keel due to woodworm infestation of the aforementioned peg legs.
"Them twins whupped his ass real good," commented Wonky Moods, a writer from the UK of bankruptness (no money ass mess) "He went at 'em like a looney but they didn't back off. They just smacked his fuckin (his words) ass down like as if he was a British heavyweight title contender. You know the ones. They have their sponsors names on the soles of their boots, the legendary 'horizontal heavyweights'.
"Anyway old Buck kicked ass real good and the pussy heart-throb is currently throbbin' towards HMS Buggerall in the back of a Chevy pickup. Bound and gagged. Or at least he would be if the Buggerall hadn't sunk."
More as we get it, probably from 'Below Decks' the Spoof magazine section article currently taking the known universe by storm.