The Bush administration has ended fluoride's monopoly on city drinking water and is ready to allow every major US city to add one medication from an HMO-approved list to its water supply effective immediately.
"We looking at different sleeping pills," said one New York City spokesperson. "It's tough living in the city that never sleeps. A low-dose sedative in the drinking water will enable our residents to sleep through car alarms, shoot outs, and other unavoidable irritations such as work, malfunctioning Metro cards, the 14th St. bus, the Republican National Convention, and the lack of public toilets."
"We're probably going to go with an anti-gas medication," said a Boston spokesperson. "They don't call us Beantown for nothing, and we want to get this problem resolved before the Democratic National Convention. We don't want to blow all those delegates into the Harbor."
"Definitely a heartburn medication," said the cities of Atlanta, Dallas, and San Diego. "Fried food, spicy food, lots of food....it's so tiresome to pop Tums all the time. Once the medicine is in the water, we'll never need to think about heartburn again."
Chicago, Detroit, Buffalo, and Milwaukee are considering adding ibuprofen, to ease the aching joints of residents who shovel snow from November through March. Los Angeles has asked for, and received, special permission to add suntan lotion to its water, so that residents may achieve a perfect, golden tan from the inside out.
Seattle is planning to add caffeine to its water. "We've run out of room for more coffee bars," said a city official. "This gives us an easy way to maximize our caffeine exposure, and we don't even have to go out in the rain to do so."
"Obviously we're not going to let a city add a psychedelic substance," cautioned a government official after turning down impassioned requests for uppers, downers, marijuana, LSD, heroin, and cocaine from cities all across the nation. "Check the HMO-approved list. And remember, generics only, and there is a co-pay."
"Fluoride had a good ride," said another government official. "But now we've opened the drinking water supply to the free market, and that's a victory for capitalism and freedom of choice Now, if only we could figure out how to get rid of Daylight Savings Time and let each city pick its own time. These monolithic, bureaucratic solutions like national time and national health insurance and the same medicine in the drinking water are just so short-sighted."