SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a continued campaign of hatred for pot smokers, the Kell Logg Flake Company has now launched all-out biological warfare on the homeless of San Francisco. Two volunteers were injured when the popular cereal manufacturer dumped nearly a ton of sugar on area food banks.
"That was just uncalled for," said Granny Lation in a nervously cracking voice, her hands still shaking a little as she replaced her glasses, having been swept off her feet only moments before as hundreds of pounds of sugar came rushing through the foyer. Across town at another food bank, Karo Buttersworth nearly suffocated as she was overcome by a flowing mass of gooey corn syrup, becoming stuck in place when she paused for a moment to decide which way to exit.
Though neither of the injured volunteers is homeless, experts now believe the San Francisco homeless to be the ultimate target of this attack. These experts were at first confused when Kell Logg decided to ship its products 2000 miles from Michigan to San Francisco. That confusion has lifted.
"I know what's really goin' on, dude," says Super Sugar Hill Bill. "See, San Francisco don't make such a big fuss about weed. Sure, they have laws and regulations, but they aren't tryin' to overcrowd the jails with pot smokers, either. So now, San Francisco has this reputation as somewhere all the homeless people are just, you know, stumblin' around the neighborhood, gettin' high an' all that... and I am, you feel me? But Kell Logg hates that! So they're tryin' to rot my teeth out."
Bill became tearful at this point. "And they been succeedin'. You know, I quit smokin' weed four months ago because I just haven't had the money," he sobbed. "But I've been eatin' Super Sugar Buzz cereal almost every day for the last 30 years, and look at this..." He pulled back the corner of his mouth to reveal several large gaps and a dozen or so pathetic, rotten, pitted structures, some of them black, that may have been teeth at some point.
Now, Kell Logg has apparently stepped up their efforts against people like Bill. Sending two tons of cereal to homeless people sounds nice on the surface. But it has Michael Phelps picture on it, so Kell Logg isn't actually being charitable because the company ultimately has it's own self-interests in mind in getting rid of cereal they feel is "bad for their image." It's cereal especially for kids, so it's jam-packed with sugar - a bowl of Frosted Fakes is 38.7% sugars, more than 1/3 by weight. And the homeless in San Francisco aren't any hungrier than the homeless anywhere else, so some wonder why Kell Logg would go to the trouble of shipping its sugar-laden donation halfway across the country to people who engage in the same activity they dumped Michael Phelps for?
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom called the unprovoked attacks "unconscionable" and added, "Tooth decay is one thing, but many of these people already have Type II Diabetes or are teetering on the brink of it. So then, Kell Logg responds by sending us 1548 pounds of sugars. Is this an inside joke in very poor taste at San Francisco's expense? Or is this nothing more than a thinly disguised attempt at murder?"
Other valid questions might include, why does Kell Logg prefer to give food away to make a point rather than simply be charitable? Or even, why is something that's 38.7% sugar still considered "food," especially when trying to raise healthy children?