"Donald Rumsfeld is out of a job!"
That's the word out of Washington, DC following revelations of false allegations made by Rumsfeld regarding Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, as well as his more recent connection to a plot to sell animal porn videos on the internet (a dog/cat video entitled, "Kitty Porn: Doggy Style").
At a recent press conference, when asked of his plans should President Bush take the anticipated initiative to relieve him of his office, Rumsfeld replied, "Inspired by my recent meeting with Tiger Woods, I now have plans to open a chain of FRIED RICE/FRIED CHICKEN Restaurants in Asian/Urban ethnic neighborhoods throughout the U.S. The first location is set to open in L.A.'s Little Korea, just outside Crenshaw. Let me get this right, uhh, Big up to ‘X to the Z: Xzibit' for pimping my ride while I was out there."
When asked about whether he would pursue any further public roles, Rumsfeld replied, "The plan is get to the level of a rap mogul, such as a P-Diddy, or a Jay-Z. Hell, I certainly wouldn't mind having something as bootylicious as Beyonce on my arm, that's for sure -- no offense Condalisa."
He provided further clarification on his entrepreneurial plans, "Once I have a restaurant in place, I'll attempt to create a more visible presence in the rap medium. Currently, my people are in talks with 50 Cent's camp to discuss my possible appearance on his upcoming Mix-Tape, "Get Rich - or Live in your Momma's Basement". I'm also considering a career as either a hip-hop hype-man, like that bow-tie wearing fellow, Farnsworth Bentley, or a background dancer. I've seen YOU'VE GOT SERVED every day since I bought the bootleg DVD, and it's been said I pop-lock a whole lot better than Colon Powell. You know that Darrin of DARRIN'S DANCE MOVES-the fellow who choreographs for Britney Spears and N'Sync-has been giving me private lessons for nearly two years. He taught me this…" at which point, Rumsfeld began doing what he called the ‘Egyptian Lover'.
A White House spokesman would not comment on whether this is, in fact, the end of the line for Donald Rumsfeld in the Bush Cabinet, but did confirm, "that Rumsfeld sure can dance."