Written by JamesTheMan
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Topics: America, Scientists

Wednesday, 23 June 2004

image for British Scientists Prove America is 'OK'
Americans not mad or evil

CAMBRIDGE, UK (AP) -- After the shock results of the US Presidential Election 2000 the consensus among British scientists was that Americans were both mad and evil. During a two-year study The Cambridge University Research Group sought to test whether this consensus had a basis in fact. The wide ranging study utilized surveys, supercomputer analysis and statistical analysis. The British scientists came to a shock conclusion.

'America is OK', says Professor Gold, 'one of the shock results was that Americans didn't fit our stereotype. Some did, of course, there were a small minority of insane big-mouthed rednecks, Janus [the Cambridge University supercomputer] almost choked on Ann Coulter, but under further statistical analysis an interesting trend was shown --- insane big-mouthed rednecks like Ann Coulter, or collectively Fox News, claimed to speak for America. To our surprise, further analysis showed that this clearly wasn't the case'.

The report shows some distinct trends. 'Americans have a lot of people claiming to speak for them' says Mary Lu, post-graduate student, 'we found tangible evidence of this through analysis of the US media and have statistically proven that more people claim to speak for America than ever before. What shocked us was that Americans have their own opinions, some of which may be reflected by the US media, but their opinions aren't uniform, and often their opinions aren't as extreme as those claiming to speak for them would have the public believe'.

During the report scientists were amazed by these differences of opinion as Professor Gold explains, 'We found that every OP-ED piece in the US media didn't reflect its target audience. Most Americans found something they disagreed with; a good example was a declared right-winger from Texas whom said that he agreed with some of what Bill O'Reilly said but really couldn't stand a fat man that wears expensive suits and makeup. Or a liberal who found that he didn't really have, to paraphrase, anyone really kick-ass or bigoted to speak for him, there is no liberal equivalent of Fox News. Fox News seems to have a monopoly on bigots, many liberals feel that this gives them an unfair advantage'.

The majority of Americans held opinions that were not reflected on the left or the right of the political spectrum. 'Quite simply they held, reasonable, cautious opinion --- some values from the left, some values from the right', says Mary Lu, 'they really weren't an extreme of either - not liberal panty liners or right wing slave lynchers. Most of these independents, for want of a better word, were vaguely amused at American media extremes'.

'The vast majority of Americans agree with me' said Bill O'Reilly, Fox News op-ed host, in response to the study, 'it's just a British liberal attempt to smear me'.

'All true American patriots think I'm right' said Ann Coulter, insane big-mouthed redneck, in response to the study, 'it's just liberal British traitors attempting to smear us, like in 1776'.

'Americans agree with me' said John Kerry, Democratic Presidential hopeful, 'This is just an attempt by the British Murdoch press to smear me'.

'Americans agree with me' said George W Bush, US President, 'Janus sounds like Anus'.

'I don't know what to think about this report', said Jim Kildere, a DC commuter, 'I have my own opinions'. Jim explained his reasonable, right-minded, fair but undecided appraisal of the whole issue of right versus left in America, and AP has abridged it because his opinion isn't black, white and media friendly, '... that's what I think'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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