President Barack Obama has reportedly hired a team of special advisors in the wake of news that his cool status among voters was in danger of becoming tepid or even lukewarm by the time he completed his first 100 days in office.
"Look," said a top aide who asked not to be identified and was clearly trying to talk like Obama. "I'm not going to lie to you. The numbers we had coming in were phenomenal. You just can't sustain numbers like that without a little effort. Things rarely stay cool forever."
While the president had enjoyed recent boosts to his coolness rating after revealing that he was a fan of Wii Bowling and drinking a beer courtside at a Washington Wizards game, such incidents have been tempered in recent days by his apparent misunderstanding of what defines pork and the appointment of one too many pointless czars.
"Facts are stubborn things," repeated former president John Adams from the grave. "You can wave your fancy wig at the public for a while, but eventually you're going to piss some people off with policy. And let's face it, policy just ain't cool."
The aide categorically denied reports that a side team of government scientists had been trying to determine if the president's coolness factor might be experiencing deleterious effects as a result of global warming.