Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 4 March 2009

image for America's Most Hated Man - "Crybaby" Mesnick (aka The Bachelor)
The engagement ring that "Bachelor" Jason Mesnick gave to Melissa but took back to give to Molly

LOS ANGELES - Bernard Madoff, the financial service investment manager who embezzled $50 billion has just been replaced as The Most Hated Man in America.

That dubious honor now belongs to Jason Mesnick, who was the bachelor on this season's edition of ABC's "The Bachelor."

American women from Bangor, Maine to San Diego, California are calling Mesnick every name under the sun.

The cabbage patch doll has ruffled the feathers of a lot of U.S. gals; from secretaries to teachers and from manicurists to pole dancers.

Mesnick was crying when he chose Melissa over Molly. He was sobbing when he proposed to Melissa who eagerly accepted his marriage proposal.

Mesnick must surely have some kind of tear duct affliction since he spends more time crying than the average squirrel spends gathering nuts (i.e. 2.3 hours a day).

"The Emperor of Weeping Land" felt that the chemistry just wasn't there between him and Melissa. He stated through a veil of tears that he had never stopped loving Molly, which right away caused millions of American females to instantly put him in the 'Big Jerk' department.

The "BooHoo Boy" had his heart broken last year when the "Bachelorette's" DeAnna Pappas dumped him. So "The Mess" has been perfecting his 'crying ways' ever since.

It is a safe bet to say that there isn't another man anywhere in the entire United States (including Beverly Hills and San Francisco) who crys more than "Teardrops" Mesnick does.

The "Prince of Sobs" crys when he's sad, when he's happy, when he's tired, when he's thirsty, when he's hungry, and when he's sleepy.

Even his three-year-old boy, Ty, has told his father to stop crying like a little bitch because all of his day-care playmates are starting to refer to his daddy as Tammy Teardrops, Sissy Eyes, and the Grownup Crybaby.

But the man is unshamelessly pathetic and he is literally about three strands of straw short of being a total basket case. His mother said that as a young boy he would easily go through two boxes of Kleenex a day.

His Tennis coach Clay "Tennis Balls" Glassmaker said that "Mr. Weepy" as he was known back in high school used to leave tear-drenched tissues all over the tennis court.

Finally they had to kick him off of the team because of the tripping hazard that he presented.

So as of now "Crying Boy" and Molly, who has gorgeous-looking legs, and who openly displayed them on "The Bachelor - After The Rose - Part 2" show seem to be getting along okay.

Las Vegas however does not see it that way. As of Wednesday morning their betting line was that "BooHoo Boy" would dump Molly by Memorial day.

And the women who are favored to replace Molly (and the odds) are, Paris Hilton (3 to 2), Tatiana Del Toro (5 to 2), Katrina "Bikini Girl" Darrell (2 to 1), Jennifer Aniston (1 to 5), and Nadya Suleman (4 to 1). Cloris Leachman comes in at 87 to 1.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The Crying Society of North America has just announced that they have named Jason Mesnick as their 2009 poster person.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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