Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Nose, Ears

Tuesday, 22 June 2004

image for ASPCA Cites Man for Passing Gas, Blaming Dog
Happier times for the Herbert clan

Forest Grove, OR - George Herbert believed he'd gotten away with one last Sunday night after diner, but thanks to a perceptive set of ears, one discerning nose, and quick action, he was sorely mistaken.

Typically, the Herbert family settles in to catch America's Funniest Videos reruns on the ABC Family Channel during the eight o'clock hour on Sunday. The brood of five uses this time to happily digest and contemplate the week that was and the one is to come.

Tonight would be different though. At approximately 8:16 that evening, between AFV segments, a noxious odor filled the room causing much disgust and waving of hands. As the offensive vapor spread to every corner of the cozy room, the three children began to point fingers. Astutely Maggie, the youngest at the tender age of 7, pointed toward her father. "Daddy did it" squealed the girl, still holding her nose.

It appears George would have none of the blame though.

"Buster!" exclaimed Herbert. "Christ Almighty. What did you feed him this afternoon?" the lifelong cement salesman asked his wife, Jodi.

At this point it appears that the details went fuzzy.

13 year-old John Herbert didn't recall actually hearing his father pass gas, but he did mention that "it did kind of smell like a mixture of corn beef and dead flowers." The citation compared that to several of the family member's testimony that Buster's flatulence smell much more like "dead, rotting things."

According to the citation filed by ASPCA Buster was in the bathroom, drinking from the toilet.

"I can't say I heard anything, but it did smell kind of like one of George's," the report quotes Jodi Herbert. "In fact, this happened late last week too. He woke me up at three a.m. with that one. Blamed it on the cat."

The citation doesn't specify that monetary reparations be made, but it does insist that Herbert volunteer at Last Chance Animal Shelter for twenty hours and issue a formal apology to Buster.

When asked for a statement for this story, George Herbert only offered up this mild admission of guilt. "I can't say that I'm proud of what I did, but honestly it was one of those situations where the gas was caught up in my chair fabric. I even forgot about the whole thing until I shifted my weight during the commercials. I guess it took me by surprise and, well, Buster couldn't deny it so I pinned it on him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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