Written by K J Heitz
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Tuesday, 22 June 2004

image for Cookie Monster to be Killed Off Sesame Street
Cookie Monster's days on Sesame Street are numbered.

After years of making children laugh and crave sweets before breakfast, Cookie Monster is set to be killed off Sesame Street, an insider source reports. The lovable blue monster will meet his demise by the end of the summer season in a two-fold effort to boost the ratings of the struggling kids' show while showing sensitivity towards the thousands of obese children who watch the show.

"With the overwhelming success of violence in shows like The Soprano's, we knew we had to do something here at Sesame Street," said Karen Gruenberg, executive vice president for content. The death scene promises to be a shock, she said.

When reached for comment on the impeding death of Cookie Monster, Sopranos' star James Gandolfini said, "Fuck you, asshole. I don't watch fucking cartoons you fucking fuck."

When the Sesame Street big-wigs tossed around the idea for a bloody killing scene in this season, Cookie Monster seemed to be the perfect victim. "With all these chunky kids wobbling around, we felt having a character on the show eating nothing but cookies would send the wrong message," Gruenberg said. "These fatties need to know the dangers of gluttony."

It has been reported that advertisers such as McDonalds, Hershey's and Krispy Kreme donuts threatened to pull their commercials if Sesame Street didn't stop "promoting overeating by children." Ray Kroc, founder of McDonalds, has been dead for years and could not be reached for comment.

Cookie Monster was a favorite on the show for decades until the rise of Elmo in the late 1990's. Elmo now consistently gets more lines in every show. "I am a much better role model for children," said the little red wussy. "These days kids are too tough. They should be quiet, shy, skinny little scamps who can't handle touching of any sort."

A statement was released by Cookie Monster's agent on his behalf saying, "COOKIES!" No word on what Cookie Monster plans to do after his last episode.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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