Written by Wendy Jacobson
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Monday, 2 March 2009

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Washington D.C. - The newly created WHBO (White House Boxing Office) has sanctioned its first fight between Rahm Emmanuel and Howard Dean on March 5, 2009. President Obama okay'd the bout this morning, despite rumors that he is going ahead with appointing Kathleen Sebelius to the job on Monday.

White House spokesperson, said the President had decided to ask her then after the fight if Dean won she would graciously step down. The President had hoped for an earlier date, but neither Dean nor Emanuel could commit. Dean is currently traveling, on a shopping/speaking tour of the Balkans with his sister. Emanuel is busy with the holiday Rosh Chodesh. Though he couldn't offer an explanation of its meaning.

The appointment of HHS Secretary has been on hold until the bitter animosity between Emmanuel, Obama's chief of staff and Dean is settled once an for all. "The time we're wasting trying not to think about Dean, well, it's just painful," mused a White House source, "It's like trying really hard not to think of a number once someone tells you aren't allowed to think of it. You can't think of any other number! After the Daschle, um, 'misstep'…we can't keep on like this…(sigh)."

The trouble began in 2000 when Dean was gaining national recognition. The already popular Vermont Governor had just signed the country's first civil union legislation. They were together in Washington at a Democrats Are Gays fundraiser at the home of Denise Rich.

Emanuel, senior staffer in the Clinton White House was suffering from a bad head cold and supposedly accidentally sneezed on Dean's vodka and soda. Dean asked him to apologize and get him a fresh drink and Emanuel snorted out what sounded like "Fuck you cheddar cheese dick wad," and turned away. Emanuel claims he turned away to avoid sneezing on him a second time and said, "Please wait I'll be right back with a fresh cocktail, Howard." At which point Dean lunged at him tipping over a tray of bilinis and champagne onto Donna Brazlie who was seated on an antique settee. Both men were ejected from the party since Ms. Rich had just recently reupholstered for the third time that fundraising season due to similar incidents. Emanuel became irate since he would miss meeting Tiger Woods who was due momentarily. Ms. Brazile spent the remainder of the party in a robe borrowed from Ms. Rich. The cost for cleaning her dress was charged to the DNC.

The Tale of the Tape:

Howard Dean- height 5'8.5" - reach 65" age - 61 -WASP
Rahm Emanuel- height 5'7" (not 4'11"as stated on Yahoo) - reach 62" age - 50 - Jew

Neither man is a pugilist, but both are junkyard-dog scrappy as is typical of small men. Both come from families of brawling competitive brothers, Dean has 3 and Emanuel has 2. Emanuel has the benefit of serious ballet training as a youngster, while Dean has the benefit of having had a Black roommate at Yale.

Emanuel has the clear age advantage, and despite what the tape says he can reach farther, to the Oval Office in fact, but Dean has more to prove (plus they need him) which is highly motivating. "The fact that he took the fight, says something," said David Axelrod, who is fretting about the negative impact the match will have. "Basically I think that America is ready to solve these DC insider shenanigans the old fashioned way, the way guys in the 'real America' do it; with a fight," he continued, "though I'm not convinced this is a great precedent to be setting. Then there's the downside if either one really beats the crap out of the other." Axelrod shook his head, "How am I going to spin that?"

Max Kellerman will be the lead commentator and Larry Merchant will of course provide the color. C-Span is supposed to air the fight and is now being sued by both Showtime and HBO.

No undercard bouts have been decided as of today, rumors involve Eric Cantor and Timothy Geithner.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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