Death Valley, California - According to Right Wing Radio Spin Doctors, the Obama's stimulus package that is intended to prevent the economy from diving headlong into the shallow end of the pool is instead filled with pet peeve pork barrel projects like building bridges to nowhere. So they charge.
Using House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, as an example, Republicans accuse her of earmarking billions of dollars for her bridge to nowhere. Only in her case, because her district is home to the endangered species of the Marsh Mouse, Pelosi has decided to build a Super Train from the depths of the California desert to Las Vegas. Her version of a bridge to nowhere, say Republicans.
"That way, " confirms Nancy Pelosi at a press conference with the open arid California desert of Death Valley as her backdrop. "The Marsh Mouse endangered specie doesn't have to live in the hot desert where it has to risk life and limb, scurrying around foraging for food But soon they will be relaxing poolside at a five star hotel, sipping on mixed drinks with the tiny umbrellas in them."
Pelosi also expressed satisfaction in the knowledge that the Marsh Mouse, variety of rodent, would no longer be forced to make the trichinous long distance commute to Las Vegas, where they face many dangers along the way.
"Like being preyed upon by coyotes," said Pelosi with a quiver in her voice. "Becoming road kill or the worst fate of all, shorted out of their comps promised them in the bus trip package they purchased in advance."
Pelosi assures the American taxpayer that their money from the Obama stimulus package is being well spent on the miniature Marsh Mouse Super Train, which is build to one-tenth the scale of an Amtrak passenger train, making impractical if not at all impossible for humans to use.
"Americans should take a sense of pride and satisfaction in knowing that Marsh Mice are traveling in style and comfort in fully air-conditioned sound proof compartments," said Pelosi. "And not overly concern themselves with the cost. That's my job."
On board the super train, the Marsh Mice will reach dizzying speeds, approaching and even breaking through the sound barrier, due to its miniature size.
"It will not only be our nation's first super train," said Pelosi. "It will be the first built of its kind: fully equipped with State-Of -The-Art Wi-Fi, Blue Tooth and iPod wireless technology, right off the assembly line in the manufacturing prefecture at Nagasaki, Japan. And it will all be powered by electricity generated by the greenest grid ever. Plugged into the most renewable and virtually inexhaustible energy source in California: leftover hemp from the crops of medical marijuana grown in the backyards of Silicon Valley, Hollywood Hills and Compton."
The Government Accounting Office (GOA) estimates the construction project will cost the Department of Transportation one-third its entire annual budget or 10 billion dollars for the total Marsh Mouse population, assuming there are only ten mice left in the population
Pelosi's offices, however, insist that the GOA estimate is overblown because it does not take into account the savings outsourcing the cost of the uniforms for the Mash Mice to a sweatshop somewhere in Mexico. Making for a whopping savings to the American taxpayer.
"Do you have any idea what we're saving by not hiring American workers earning a living wage with full medical benefits for him or her and their traditional and nontraditional alternate lifestyle family members?" Rhetorically asked Peolsi.
Despite Obama all but abandoning the Buy American First campaign promise, however, Pelosi promises the Super Train will at least be owned and operated by American Marsh Mice and their subcontracted offshore subsidiaries.
"My staff has found loopholes small enough that allow the Marsh Mouse to squeeze through without violating any of our free trade agreements that we've signed away our national sovereignty over to such as NAFTA," explained Pelosi.
That according to the new watered down terms of the Obama's Buy American First campaign promise, which will allow the federal government to buy American so long as it is consistent with current International Free Trade Agreements.
Pelosi then walked over to a large display board where she unveiled design ideas for the uniforms that the March Mice would be wearing: tiny deep ocean blue coats with golden buttons and charcoal black Train Conductor hats and green caps for the Porters.
"I especially like the way the yellow in the gold buttons contrast against the blue of the coats of the Train Conductor," said Pelosi. "And bright red coats for the Porters are just to die for."
Pelosi claims that once the Super Train is completed, sometime in the fall of the year 2012, the commuting Marsh Mice will stimulate the economies of both states, which will then trickling down to the rest of the nation.
"Soon the casinos, dealer pits and high roller suites will be filled with Marsh Mice carrying cold hard cash in their cute tiny little paws, which they get on a regular bases in the form of a monthly check from the EPA to prevent their extinction," said Pelosi. "That's what we Democrats call sharing the wealth. Provided it is consistent with current International Free Trade Agreements, of course."