Written by Adam Click
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Friday, 27 February 2009

image for Abstinence Program Giving Chimps Blue Balls
Harold the chimp grimaces with the pain of "love ache", also known as "blue balls".

Seattle, Washington - A new government program designed to encourage abstinence among primates has spread the dreaded teenage ailment "Blue balls" to chimps. The World Wildlife Fund, the organization originally pushing for the program has now admitted it may have been a mistake.

Recent well-publicized attacks have been traced back to extremely frustrated male chimps. The chimps were in effect teased by their girl-or boy-friends and then left hanging. The painful results caused them to lash out unproductively.

The abstinence program was designed to curb the rise of teen monkey pregnancy but I'm afraid our efforts with male monkeys might have got out of hand." Spokesman Howard meek was quoted as saying. "I guess going from sex all the time to no sex at all was too much for them to handle."

"Harold used to be such a well behaved chimp," Mrs. Mary Snodgrass of Tampa Fla., said in a phone interview. "Sure he'd monopolize the bathroom at times, or touch himself inappropriately, but he was never overt about it. Now, since he's taken this "vow of abstinence until marriage" thing he's become surly and disrespectful."

"We're truly sorry for all the trouble we caused for the chimps and their life companions." said Mr. Meeks. "It was a problem we hadn't anticipated. Most of us have been going without sex for a long time and it's never affected us in that way."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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