Anchorage, Alaska - Like a scene out of the horror movie classic, "Night of the Living Dead", dead Polar Bears, all drowning victims of the recent climate change, have apparently come back to life. Reanimated by the radioactive space debris from last week's Russian and American satellite collision, which fell to earth over the Pacific Ocean.
The remnants from that cosmic clash of the Titians drifted over the Arctic and the Alaskan wilderness, causing a secondary collision, which knocked out of the blue sky this week's NASA rocket launch. Apparently destroying it as well, when it came into contact with the space junk floating up there so freely.
"Everybody remain calm," said Sarah Palin, Republican governess of Alaska at an emergency press conference in an aircraft hanger in Anchorage, Alaska, which she called. "I'm locked and loaded. That's right. I'm wearing a full metal jacket."
Palin went on to say that she had been expecting this day. Accusing the Russians of purposely challenging American sovereignty (Obama in his first year of his Presidency, just as the Prophesy foretold) by using one of their killer satellites to knock out of its geo-synchronistic orbit from the heavens above, one of American's peaceful communication satellites last week.
"I knew this would happen, It's just like that gray-haired bearded guy that no one listened to in 'Star Wars, Episode One: The Phantom Menace' after the Trade federation cut off communications from the Planet Naboo to Coruscant, just before they were invaded," said Palin, as she loaded shells into the cartridge chamber of her 12-gage shoot gun. "I knew one day that Mother Nature with a little help from those pesky Russians would rise up against us. And that day is today. But don't you worry; old dependable Palin has your back. Besides, this just hastens the Second Coming, the return of our Savior, John McCain."
While Plain was addressing the media, Todd, her husband, was busy working behind her, dragging out onto the aircraft hanger floor a life-sized toy Polar Bear (like the kind of prize given out at a carnival game) that had a bright red bow tie around its neck.
"Okay now, lets get down to why you hired me to be your governess," said Palin, as she approached the giant stuffed toy animal, she put on an armored vest, while still holding her 12-gage shotgun at her side.
Just then, one of Palin's young daughters carried out a tray of watercolors out to her. Palin instructed her to hold it for her until the demonstration was over.
"Okay, here are the quick kill zones," said Palin, taking a paintbrush, dipping it in red paint and marking the head and chest of the giant toy Polar Bear.
Then taking another paintbrush, this time dipping it into yellow paint and marking the ribcage and groin area on the oversized stuffed animal, Palin continued:
"And here are the slow kill zones, if you prefer your prey to hear you gloat over their impending death before they actually die. It gives them time to reflect as their blood slowly oozes out of their body, depriving their heart, brains and vital organs of oxygen. It lets them know whose the boss. Giving them time to realize that it was you that encompassed their doom -- 'That's right, baby! It was me!' -- Is one of my favorite sayings. Catchy, huh? It's okay with me if you what to use it."
Palin then took several steps back and instructed her daughter to take cover behind her, because Mommy was going to use the "Boom, Boom Stick" now.
After squeezing off just one round, the giant stuffed toy Polar Bear disappeared into a cloud of gunpowder and buckshot; leaving behind only its charcoaled (not so bright anymore) red bow tie remains on the ground, smoldering.
"Now for the counterinsurgency plan to fight off those Polar Bear Zombies," said Palin, handing over her 12-gage shotgun to her daughter, who took it way while skipping
Momentarily resuming her position behind the podium with an orgy of protruding microphones in her face, Palin then stepped in front of it as she slowly stroked its sides up and down with her hands like an exotic pole dancer, members of the mostly male media too hypnotized to notice the battle plans she unfurled before them.
"I'll take point in Air Cavalry One, penetrating deeply into the hot zone about two clicks (kilometers) from out present position," said Palin, referring to a red circle titled "Ground Zero" on the logistics map. "Todd will command an elite platoon of ground forces mounted on snow mobiles. We'll rendezvous back here at 0300 hours."
Palin then explained the Rules of engagement: 1) Terminate all wildlife that appears; 2) could appear; 3) or you think could appear as potentially hostile with extreme prejudice. 4) Remember; take no prisoners, unless you're planning to mount them yourself -- The still free state of Alaska will not remunerate you for your taxidermy bill. Only out of pocket expenses like beer, canned Salmon and expended cartages not randomly fired into the air, unless you suspect the flying fowl overhead to be carrying the bird virus. In which case, feel free to fire away.
"Now if y-all excuse me, it's time to get Mother Nature before she gets me," said Palin as she boarded her helicopter that had multifarious stickers depicting the number of wolves she killed from the air.
As she lifted off the ground, Palin, reaching back behind her for the gun rack she had especially installed in the helicopter, grabbed a laser sighted hunting rifle off it. Then pointing it only at liberal members of the media, so that a little red glowing targeting dot appeared on their foreheads, she yelled out while dust filled the air: "Gotcha, media!"