Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 25 February 2009

image for President Obama's Speech: "The U.S. Will Not Torture"
President Barack "The Straight Shooter" Obama standing in front of a local D.C. IHOP

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama delivered his first presidential speech to a packed joint session of Congress.

Some of the people in the crowd included Secretary of State Hillary "The Face" Clinton, Senator John "Long Face" Kerry, Senator Kay "Pale Face" Bailey Hutchison, GOPrincess Ann "Horse Face" Coulter, and Senator John "Loser Face" McCain.

Right off the bat, the president said that he inherited the nation's sad economical state from you-know-who.

But he stated that with a lot of hard work and elbow grease we can get through these tough economic times and make things better again for everyone.

He said that Georgy Bush, and the "Terrible Twins" Dicky Cheney and Donnie Rumsfeld did a pretty damn good job of just about bankrupting the hell out of all of our asses.

The president then smiled and asked the crowd, "So tell me where is King George now?" The room fell silent. He asked again. And again no response. You could have heard a pin drop.

Vice-President Joe Biden said that at that point the room was so damn quiet that he could actually hear the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi scratching third base (aka her yum-yum).

And then Obama spotted Senator John McCain trying to duck down behind a well-endowed lady in front of him. Obama called out to him and asked, "John, my friend. I'm over here. Tell me Johnny, where is your fellow GOPer George W. Bush right now?"

McCain turned fire engine red, shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well my friend, Mr. President sir, you know that I spent five and a half years in a POW camp.

So I guess that King George, I mean George is probably sitting back in Dallas in his double-wide with his feet propped up watching you."

Obama smiled and said, "That's right. That's exactly right old timer. Oh, and Johnny, here's some free presidential advice. Lose the silly-lookin' comb-over, trust me grandpa, you ain't foolin' nobody."

"The Brez" (bro-president) then got back to his prepared speech and he stated that eight years ago old Jorge (George) rode into town, messed up the whole cotton pickin' place, and then rode out of town as fast as his damn gelding could take him.

Obama shook his well-groomed head and said that the arrogant cowboy skedaddled pronto (fast). "The shit kicker ran away like the scared little bunny rabbit he is. And that's what I'm talkin' about...can I have a collective amen."

"Amen!"

"Now moving on. As you all know. One of my first goals as your leader was to shut down The Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. The place was just costing us too damn much money to keep it open for a few third-rate terrorist wannabes.

The walls were covered with grafitti, the floors smelled like #1, and the drapes were saturated in Cuban cigar smoke.

And besides thanks to Uncle Georgy (Bush) the U.S. had gotten a bad world-wide rap due to the fact that the drugstore cowpoke had allowed prisoners to be tortured on his watch.

Well folks, let me say here and now, that with me as your new commander-in-chief, the U.S. will never again resort to torture, other than maybe having to listen to that drama queen from American Idol, Tatiana Del Toro.

And I make a solemn vow to you the citizens of America that if I find out that someone on my team tortured a prisoner, I will take that individual and I will personally torture the son-of-a-bitch myself.

And make no mistake about that. I can make three-pointers from downtown all day long, so I can certainly kick some torturer's bottomside for about five minutes."

The president also touched on the fact that all of these rich, fat corporate CEO's were going to stop getting these outrageous bonuses while laying off thousands of their employees without even battin' an eye.

Obama said that starting tomorrow he was going to be taking one or two of these company executives each day and having them handcuffed, arrested, and hauled off to jail.

He looked right into camera #1, grinned, and said and you boys know who you are, don't ya Brock Metzenbaum, Cameron Westphalia, and Desmond Aspinwall, Jr.

Obama said that he will be taking those three individuals and making an example out of them. He grinned and said that those three lily white fellas are going to be United States Federal Exhibits A, B, and C.

The president then looked right into camera #2 and said, "And if I may, please bear with me as I speak directly to Mr. Brock Metzenbaum, who lives at 91819 Lower Benedict Arnold Drive, in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Now first of all folks, Mr. Metzenbaum is the CEO of one of the biggest corporations in America, Town Hope Surburbia Bank. And interestingly enough, Metzy is not even a real American. He came here two years ago from Israel without a nickel or a quarter to his name.

And last year Brock Metzenbaum made a base salary of $38 million, plus stock options worth $9 million, plus incentive pay of $3 million, a Christmas bonus of $1 million, and a meal expense account of $900,000 per month.

And the dude has the gall, the nerve, the cojones to come and ask me to lend his company $17 billion more on behalf of the American people.

Ladies and gentleman, I ask you, and please pardon my Kenyan (French) is this one F'ed up stupid mofo or what?"

"So Brother Brock," the president intoned, "If you're watching me right now. And bro, I know for a fact that you are because the FBI has had you under close surveillance for the past two months.

I suggest that you put down your glass of Scotch and your plate of Lobster Newburg right now, and go and pack your bag with some extra socks and underwear.

Because my amigo, you are fixin' to take you a little trip come sun up to your new place of residence where all the workers wear nice little orange uniforms."

"Brobama" (Brother Obama) took a deep breath, cracked his knuckles, and said. "And in closing, let me just say this. And I address this directly to John McCain's presidential running mate, the gorgeously svelte, bespectacled Sarah Palin.

Y'all remember "Snowflake" Sarah, the cute little thing who lives next door to Russia and who acts a whole lot like Tina Fey except maybe not quite as annoying.

Well Sarah girl, your days of shooting or more exactly slaughtering moose, caribou, and elk from a state-owned helicopter are over.

That's it sister. Wrap it up sweety. Take the friggin' high-powered telescopic rifle and carefully hand it to your hubby Todd.

And let me say that I speak for millions and millions of red-blooded American men, Democrats, Republicans, and Presbyterians alike when I say that you young lady need to get your sweet little ass back into the kitchen and start cooking something.

Leave the big game hunting to the big boys like Toby Keith, Ted Nugent, and Clint Eastwood.

Us American men do not like our women smelling like Off Mosquito Repellant. We don't like to see our females with beads of sweat dripping off their nipples.

And we certainly don't want to go to bed with a gal who has pieces of caribou guts smeared on her jock strap.

My name is Barack Obama. I am your president. I am your commander-in-chief. I am your leader. And I am your next American Idol. And I do scobey dobey do approve of this message.

And so I bid a good night to all of my fellow American's of all sizes, shapes, colors, ages, weights, sexual orientations, religious affiliations, dietary persuasions, and monetary denominations."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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