PHOENIX - Former NBA player, TNT Network color analyst, and future governor of the state of Alabama Charles Barkley has been sentenced to ten days in jail.
Sir Charles, as he is known, will only have to serve five days. He received the sentence for two counts of driving while under the influence, one count for running a stop sign, one count for having high cholesterol, and one count for first degree arrogance.
TNT co-host and friend, Kenny "The Jet" Smith said that he hopes that the hard-headed Chuck, who is a hardcore compulsive gambler and who has lost $12.5 million on his gambling addiction learns his lesson.
He added that "'The Round Mound of Rebound' lately has been going through life as if he's on TV's 'Wheel of Fortune.'
But 'Unlucky Chucky' has to understand that his big old fat African-American ass is actually on 'Desperate Housewives.'"
When told that if he has to serve his sentence in Arizona's Tent City Jail he would have to wear pink slippers and pink underwear, Charles smiled and said, "It ain't gonna happen Bubba.
There just ain't no way in hell that this 495 pound Alabama fat boy is gonna wear pink underwear...nope, no siree."
A reporter for The Yuma Yacker Tribune asked Charles if he thought that he was pretty. Charles blushed and replied, "Well I ain't no Halle Berry, but I ain't no Whoopi Goldberg either."
Charles was told that TNT commentator Ernie Johnson had said that he was going to send him a pecan pie with a hacksaw hidden inside.
Barkley laughed and said that he didn't want to give out too much information, but that he was already mapping out plans for his escape.
He grinned and said that he had found a site on the Internet that showed step-by-step instructions on how to dig a jailhouse tunnel using only a turkey baster, a dixie cup, a sponge, a glockenspiel, and a blue magic marker.
The 46-year-old Barkley was asked if he thought that his arrest was going to have an adverse affect on his plans to run for governor of Alabama?
Barkley said that it would not. He then remarked that to the contrary it would actually work out in his favor, since President Bush had also spent time in jail and the ex-con was elected president anyway.
Charles was then asked about the Gary Coleman rumor. He pounded his fist on the table and said that he was sick and tired of hearing the damn rumor about that little bitty black munchkin and him.
He shook his head and then said in a raised voice that he had told Larry, Katie, Geraldo, Anderson, Oprah, Ellen, and even that GOP hate-spewing, chopstick-looking, skinny ass bitch Ann Coulter that he had no idea how those rumors that are circulating throughout Missouri and New Hampshire got started.
He then stood up and said, "But for the 19th and last time. I am not, and please read by big semi-botoxed lips, I am not the biological father of that bowling ball-lookin' punk Gary Coleman.
I mean, shit fellas. Can't you all see it. I'm handsome like Muhammad Ali. Whereas that pint-sized, Hershey Bar colored Coleman looks like he could win the ugliest pygmy in Zimbabwe contest hands down."
Barkley was asked if he had a final word. He said yes, "GINOBLIIIIIIIIII!"
In a related story. Gary Coleman has admitted to CNN's Wolf Blitzer that it is in fact true that he does have a life-size likeness of Paris Hilton's you-know-what tattooed on his left knee.