Written by P Turton
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Topics: War, Rebranding

Monday, 23 February 2009

Right wing American lobbyists today began a massive PR drive to re-brand war as good.

Citing the ongoing conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq as examples the Right Wing nut jobs point out that war, far from being good for absolutely nothing, is actually fantastic.

"When we're at war, everyone's a winner" claims a TV commercial to be broadcast throughout the country later this week.

"War is a powerful unifying force. Obviously people will die, but their sacrifice is ultimately positive. War will support and nurture our ailing economy, which will bring happiness to everyone. Well, almost everyone" claims the commercial.

The materiel of war, bullets, bombs, tanks and planes, represents the pinnacle of commercially driven, democratic capitalist society, according to expert Dr Solomon Pasternak of the University of Hokepochee's department for War studies.

Domestic appliances last for years before they need replacing, "we make a bomb, or bullet, send it into a war and within a few weeks it no longer exists" He said.

Bullets and bombs can only be used once and once they've been used they have been destroyed. If they've been used properly, then they've also destroyed something else, which will need to be replaced.

"If we're strategic, we can then go in and replace what we've destroyed and charge those people for it too."

When the country is at war the economy booms, people have jobs, they have money, it's only during peace time that the economy slumps and people are unhappy.

"Look at the situation now, Iraq and Afghanistan are quieting down and the economy is in the pits. When we had war everything was great!"

Pasternak points to the patriotic fervour that is generated during war. "It makes people happy, they have All American heroes to root for and an enemy to root against."

He cites the Nazis as the perfect enemy. "They were textbook. They were sinister, had great uniforms, a fantastic scary logo and an evil, secret agenda, we couldn't have made them up in Hollywood!"

Al Quaida in contrast are sneaky and rootless and make a dull enemy. "They sneak around blowing things up and we can't fight an enemy like that. Besides, whose afraid of flowing robes? They dress like characters from Star Wars, and not even the Storm troopers, now they were scary." he babbled on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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