Dallas, Texas - Ex-President George W. Bush today accepted a job offer as a greeter at Elliot's Hardware and Farm Supply Store in Dallas. Mr. Bush was "Happy and relieved" to have found employment so quickly after having ended his two term stint as President of The United States.
"I wasn't sure if I was going to find anything at all so soon, given the state the economy is in," the ex-president said. "I already applied for unemployment but that takes weeks to come through." Mr. Bush had stated that he was "very surprised" but "pleased" to be able to rejoin America's work force so quickly after leaving office. "I don't feel so useless anymore, this is definitely right up my alley. I can run with a job like this."
The CEO of Elliot's Hardware and Farm Supply, Kyle Walters, said that having Mr. Bush aboard would "Give me a sense of satisfaction about helping the economic woes of our great nation" through "Helping create jobs for those who need them." Walters also pointed out that hiring Mr. Bush fulfills his state-mandated equal-opportunity employment quota for employing the mentally challenged. "I'm killing two birds with one stone here, it's great."
Mr. Bush finalized the details of his new job at the hardware store late this morning. Reports are that there are provisions in his contract that allow for parking for both his Secret Service staff and his Boeing 747, as well as sniper pillboxes in all four corners of the building, metal detectors, bomb sniffing dogs and complete x-ray and scanning equipment at every possible entrance and exit, including the bathroom. Walters added that the roof of the building would undergo strengthening in the coming weeks to facilitate the construction of several anti-aircraft gun batteries, in anticipation of possible air-launched attacks on the 3-1/2 acre building. "We just can't be too careful these days, what with an ex-president and everything."
Reactions to the news from locals was mixed. One unnamed resident complained that simply going to buy feed for his various livestock would now be an exercise in military security. "I would be strip searched before George even says 'Welcome to Elliot's' to me." Stu Pidasso, a dirt hole farmer from the outskirts of town was happy to hear of the event. "It just goes to show that even in an economy as trying as this, that a mentally challenged individual like our ex-commander-in-chief can find gainful employment." Mr Bush's first shift is scheduled for 9:00 a.m. next Monday, with a coffee break at 10:30, lunch at noon, another break at 2:30, then the shift would end at 4:00, allowing him to "Get home in time for Judge Judy." He will be expected to work at least twenty hours a week, and would be eligible for 401k benefits after one year of employment. Barbara Bush, the ex First Lady, was quoted as saying "Now we won't have to worry about what to do with George when he's not sleeping, and where our Bingo money is going to come from, We're killing two birds with one stone here, it's great."
When asked if he plans to hire any more former White House staffers Walters admitted that "I've got Scooter Libby's application sitting on my desk at the moment, actually, we're looking to see if he would be a good fit to man the key-duplicating machine. Frankly, it's not looking too good for him at the moment." Walters claimed that Libby's application was "almost illegible" and looked as if "it had been filled out in purple crayon, with orange juice spilled on it." Walters stated that blue or black ink only was specified on the application. "That's not a good start."