300-Pound, Chain-Smoking Alcoholic Pill-Popper Afraid Of Dying From Global Warming
Beaner, Tennessee - Jonnie Ben Johnson, a 41 year old Beaner homemaker, admits that she's petrified by the thought of dying from global warming, saying, "It scares the crap out of me. The thought of dying from a creeping sea or a red hot sun as Al Gore done told us all and thangs like that has me plumb terrified to death."
Mrs. Johnson paused for a moment to down her a swig from a jug that has half-disolved the corn cob stopper, light a fresh filterless Camel cigarette and open a whole box of Ding Dongs, then continued, "I can't believe that human beans would even consider doing something like this to their fellow man and woman."
"I mean, what kind of monster would do that? Cause our coast lands to sink and this will happen within a couple hundred years, maybe less!"
Statistics show that since January 1st, over 35,000 overweight chain-smoking, pill-popping alcoholics have died in this country. Although none from global warming, never-the-less global warming is set to turn the odds upside down within 200 years, maybe less.