In a surprise move that left some political analysts scratching their heads, John Kerry today named the well-known and irreverent actor and director Woody Allen as his running mate.
"I believe Woody has the ability to instantly size up the absurdity of any situation, and there is a lot of absurdity to size up in the current administration, " said Kerry. "Moreover, if it hadn't been for his illuminating comment about a frightening apparition having the body of a crab and the head of a social worker in the movie Sleeper, I might have married the social worker I was dating at the time, and then I never would have ended up with Teresa."
"I'll be a useful vice president because I know how to do all kinds of things, which you know if you've seen my movies " said Woody. " I can rob banks, eat giant stalks of celery, order thousands of sandwiches for guerrilla insurgents, joke with Elaine May, kill spiders for Diane Keaton, and counsel hypochondriacs all over the world. Plus, no one wants me driving on the roads because I'm a lousy driver. As vice president, I'd always have a chauffeur."
Political pundits are looking forward to at least one debate between Vice-President Cheney and Woody Allen, although Woody insists that he would be able to discuss the issues more intelligently if he debated himself. "Sometimes debates are like masturbation," he explained. "Two isn't always better than one if you want results."
"Also, exactly what does he know besides how to shoot ducks?" asked Woody. "Besides, I'd feel uncomfortable having to go to an undisclosed location. What if there are no bagels or pizza there or the coffee is lousy? I don't like to leave New York City, but for a man as educated and well-read as John Kerry, I will move to Washington if he and I are elected. I believe they do have good bagels and good pizza there."
George Bush had no comment other than to say, "I never really got the point of his movies. I liked Reagan's movies a lot better."