President Obama announced today that all industries in the United States would be bailed out.
"It is unfair to bail out the financial industry without bailing out the automotive industry that relies on those financial companies" he said, "and it is unfair to bail out the automotive industry without bailing out the sex workers that rely on those cars, and so on, so the only logical course is to bail out every single industry". When asked how he was planning to pay for all these bailouts, President Obama pointed out that the American taxpayer is a resilient beast of burden that can adequately handle bailing out entire industries. "When we bail out the auto industry", Obama said, "people will be able to keep their jobs there, so we will be able to tax the crap out of them to bail out the next industry, which will create more jobs where we can tax even more people, and keep the cycle going".
President Obama is optimistic that the bailout will not cost more than the tax revenue can support.
"If we end up with less revenue than adequate, we can always print more money" Obama said.
This represents a fundamental shift in the American system of government.
"The era of capitalist greed is over", President Obama told reporters, "in the old days we would have expected each industry to bail itself out by producing things that people actually want to buy, but in more enlightened times, each industry will be bailed out by the taxpayer, and in return the taxpayer will dictate how those industries are run, and the industry gets to force the taxpayer to buy crappy goods". The President is not concerned that a bailout is futile in light of foreign competition "we can always close our borders to any foreign goods" President Obama said, "and that way people will have to buy the crappy products that our bailed out American industry manufactures because they will have no other option".
Joe the Plumber told our reporters that he is in complete agreement with Obama. "Sure we'll have to pay a little bit more in taxes, but in return we get to control the lives of people who we would otherwise have no chance of controlling!! We will be able to dictate the rules to fat cat CEOs, we will take away their corporate jets, their high salaries, their dignity and their pride, we will force them to do things our way!!" When we asked President Obama whether he thought this is a sustainable strategy in the long run, he replied "We have to be pragmatic, in the long run we are all dead, this works now, and my successor will figure something else out tomorrow".