Written by Morse
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Monday, 16 February 2009

image for Roland Burris to Illinois Investigators On Blago Payoff: I Didn't Lie, Someone Stole my Identity!
Airing Out Illinois DEMS Dirty Linen: Can't Get Rid of the Stink!

Springfield, Illinois Laughing Stock Capitol of the US - Senator Roland Burris, who has amended his Illinois senate testimony while under oath in the Blagojvitch impeachment hearings 6 times, now says $50,000 withdrawn from his checking account was stolen!

The new revelations of inappropriate multiple contacts from Blago's brother and other personal representatives from the former governor, only came AFTER Burris, a long time political hack who had been denied office many times in "legal" elections, was finally seated by majority leader Harry Reid.
During the hearings, and under oath, Burris denied any contacts.

Reid, who earlier said "Burris will never be seated", backed off after Blago made some not so subtle threats to release recorded phone calls he had with Reid, Rahm Emanuel, and some sexual innuendoes from Michelle Obama.

An ongoing FBI investigation reported over the weekend, when no one was watching the news, that $50,000 was withdrawn from the Senator's personal account in 3 stages; 24 hours before Blago's appointment, 1 hour after Blago introduced him at a news conference, and 5 minutes after Reid agreed to seat him and he was sworn in.

When confronted with this evidence, Burris claimed he never checked the balance in his checkbook, and it most surely was a case of stolen identity, most likely occurring after the former Governor requested his social security number in order to verify his identity before the Senate appointment. Aides say the theft may also have occurred when the Senator was celebrating in a Gentleman's club in Gary, Indiana, when he was temporarily away from his trousers.

The Chicago Tribune, now working short handed as many of the newspapers top editors and reporters have been hired by President Obama as a form of payback for covering his ass in the run up to the election, also report a strange occurrence at the local Springfield Goodwill Store.

Goodwill Staffers there found what is being described as cash "in the high 5 figures" sewn into the lining of an XL sized black leather jacket, similar to the style worn by the former governor. Numerous black hair samples have been recovered off the jacket, each about 10 inches long, and in remarkable condition since they were encased in a special mousse sold only by one hair stylist in the entire state of Illinois.

An FBI source said off the record, as he was not cleared to talk anymore about Illinois state corruption, that the theory was Blago often used this method of picking up bribes, using a third party to drop off cash laden items of clothing, and then having his wife Patty drop by under the guise of "picking up something for my husband to wear" to make the retrieval.

Apparently the key inside staffer was out of the office placing a numbers bet, and missed the drop off, causing another staffer to make the discovery.

Insurance investigators are also looking into the alleged theft, as Burris has recently filed additional claims since he left for Washington in the amounts of several million dollars. Apparently someone stole his car, and his home, about to be foreclosed, burned to the ground. Burris claims he's never had such bad luck since he got appointed to the Senate, not counting the time he got the clap on his birthday last year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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