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Saturday, 14 February 2009

image for Solitary Reader of 1116 Page US Stimulus Package Found Dead: Suicide Suspected!
Copies of 1100 Page Stimulus Proposal Remain Unread: The Only Man to Read It Dies Mysteriously!

Washington,DC/ Washington Post /AP - The only elected official in Congress who read the entire Stimulus Package prepared by Democratic Ghost Writers, was found dead today in a Washington park under mysterious circumstances.

The Senator, who's name was not released pending notification of next of kin, was found on a park bench under a pile of papers identified as the Final Draft of the latest Stimulus Bill passed by the House today, with no votes from Republicans.

The crime scene was a shocking Deja Vu to former Clinton Aide Vince Foster whose body was found in similar circumstances surrounded by legal briefs concerning the White Water Scandal, and a Subpoena pinned to his chest issued by a Federal Prosecutor.

Foster's death was ruled a suicide despite the fact there was no powder residue found on his hands, the gun was discovered 25 feet away, and he had been shot 12 times. White House investigators blamed the disturbing evidence on "excessive recoil" from the 9mm Russian automatic pistol, which bore no serial number or fingerprints.

Today's crime cast a pale on the upcoming Senate Vote, as the Victim was known to have been the only living soul to have read the entire package and made copious notes in order to testify in the Senate prior to the final vote on the $1 Trillion dollar entitlement program to be administered solely by the Democratic majority. It has been noted that the Senator was vehemently opposed to the bill.

A half eaten peanut butter sandwich was found next to the body, and immediate speculation from the White House arose that the Senator may have poisoned himself.

Peanut Butter representatives from Georgia were unavailable for comment, and their National Representative, former president Jimmy Carter was in Gaza for Habitat for Humanity building a subdivision with volunteers from Iran, Syria, Yemen and Somalia.

Senator Harry Reid said while the circumstances were tragic, there was no time for mourning, and that the vote must go on in order for the country to be saved. He said under the circumstances, he expected no further dissent to the bill. It was reported that GOP swing vote senators Collins, Snowe and Spector received the message and had not eaten anything prepared in the Senate dining room for 48 hours.

The NY Post reported that Caroline Kennedy was waiting in the wings and hoped to get a call "very soon" to fill in for the departed Senator, no matter which state he represented. Aides said Ms. Kennedy had a house in every state plus the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, and the Virgin Islands...truly a Universal American Citizen who was ready, willing and able to come to the aid of her country.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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