Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: anal, explosion

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

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Quincy Puckernut, author of "The Anally Retentive Man", nearly expired in his home late yesterday while editing his second novel titled, "Your Life Will Never be Perfect".

Police were called to the scene after a concerned neighbor reported hearing a muffled explosion followed by horrific smells coming from the Puckernut home. Upon forced entry into Puckernut's home office, Sergeant Skip DaPasta found Puckernut's head stuck in the ceiling while a destroyed office chair remained under him, covered in excrement. "It was if he had been launched vertically from the chair", DaPasta said.

Investigators suspected foul play, but could find no evidence of laxative or suppository tampering in the Puckernut home. "We'll get to the bottom of it", DaPasta said, "and I know hindsight is 20/20, but I could use a rear view mirror to help solve this case, or some back door access to the right evidence."

Rushed to St. Artemius of Verkola Hospital still unconscious, Puckernut was attended to by colon and rectal specialists on staff. Early reports from the medical team indicate that Puckernut's misfortune was self inflicted. Apparently a lifetime of pent up stress and fecal matter were released instantaneously, triggered by some personal epiphany. This theory was later corroborated by police investigators who found everything in the Puckernut home to be absolutely perfect, aside from the mess in the office. "Even the draft of his novel was perfect, not a single spelling, grammatical or punctuation error" DaPasta said.

"Yes, this makes sense", said doctor Benjamin Dover. "Once the anally retentive man reaches a rare instance of absolutely perfect surroundings, he relaxes just enough to un-pucker, and that leads to human projectile launching. Now that we have him under constant supervision, we will be sure to tell him his fingernails are dirty, or that his hair is out of sorts, just to prevent a repeat occurrence."

Neighbors were busy dirtying up Puckernut's house in advance of his return, cutting half his lawn, leaving dents in the dry wall and re-drafting his novel to include hundreds of spelling errors. "Anything to prevent another incident", one unidentified man commented.

Doctors encourage that donations be sent to St. Artemius of Verkola (Patron Saint for Intentinal Disorders), to research this rare and butt-threatening disease.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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