Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: America, Convention

Friday, 18 June 2004

At their annual convention America's Southern Baptist Association - the largest group within the Baptist denomination - have voted to withdraw from everything which is not Southern Baptist.

In a statement issued today the Southern Baptist Convention announced that with their superior knowledge of scripture and God's will they feel confident in disassociating themselves from most of the rest of the world.

"The sinful world draws us," the document reads. "We are human the same as the rest of you, and we too are tempted by the baubles and trinkets of the modern, secular world. We watch television and see what is available on the home shopping network. We see the ads in the magazines and want corn pads and soap so soft you can soak in it.

"There is no doubt in our minds that we are following the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who were he alive today would certainly be a Southern Baptist.

"As such we must withdraw from associating with the UN, NATO, SEATO, IMF, RAC, ETA and all other organizations and associations which do not further the goals of Jesus and the ultimate goal of calling Jesus back as stated in the inerrant word of God - The Bible.

". . . Southern Baptist men and women will be expected to lead lives intended to demonstrate their devotion to God as they move amongst the damned. As the elect we must prove worthy of that honor on a daily basis for God judges his chosen more harshly, no matter our intentions."

Southern Baptist spokesman Bubba "Sonny" Whitaker said that as part of a rededication to the ideals of Christianity Southern Baptists were expected to dress conservatively and live carefully. "Ostentation is for others. We are human supplicants, not peacocks. Women are subservient to their husbands and may not work. Many working women are nothing more than harlots in disguise."

When asked about families who need two salaries to survive Whitaker smiled and said, "Some who are not chosen believe they are. Needing two salaries is a good determining factor of whether or not you are of the elect. Many will be shocked in the hereafter."


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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