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Sunday, 8 February 2009

image for Phelps Shatters Two More World Records
Phelps attempting to eat a wadded up sheet of paper after the competition.

LAS VEGAS, NV - Olympic Gold medalist and world record setting swimmer Michael Phelps proved tonight he is no "one trick pony."

At a competition in Las Vegas, Phelps held in a bong hit for a whopping 3 minutes and 28 seconds, annoying the timekeeper and shattering the previous world record of 2 minutes 31 seconds set just last year by President Obama's half-brother George. "Holy sh*t!!" George exclaimed as Phelps hit 3 minutes. "There's no way I can beat that. How the hell does he do it?" lamented Mr. Obama as a judge whispered a stern "Shh!!"

Phelps also set a world record for the most bud smoked in a single hit, blazing through an incredible 3.5 grams (easily smashing the old record of 2 grams) as fans jumped and shouted delightedly.

Then a hush fell as the judges stepped forward, fanning away the thick cloud of smoke. To ensure incineration of the entire bowl, they sifted carefully through the ash looking for any traces. Phelps looked on for a moment with intent red eyes and a dopey grin, then coughed uncontrollably for a minute, the sound reverberating furiously in the silent auditorium.

The ash revealed no traces, and the room burst into wild cheering as a smiling Phelps wiped some mucus off his face with his sleeve.

Asked after the competition about any advantages he might have had coming in, Phelps said, "Well, swimming is great cardiovascular exercise, so the potential to significantly increase your lung capacity by swimming is very high. Not like 'high' though, you know," he added, snickering.

Regrettably, it appears Phelps may also be a strong contender for another world record: Steepest decline in celebrity endorsement revenue. The Kell Logg Flake Company effectively dropped Phelps recently, indicating they no longer want him to promote their sugar-frosted product line that includes gateway drugs Super Sugar Buzz Cereal and Kilo-Blur Cookies.

"Kell Logg only wants someone whose public image meets our high standards, but that doesn't mean 'high' standards, if you get my drift," said a company spokesman, snickering. "Our [sugar-binging, hyperactive] children deserve only the best role models our money can buy."

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