Written by jay morris
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Topics: Batman

Monday, 11 February 2002

image for Batman Apologizes
There is no such thing as a Bat-Tickler

Rumors of impropriety swirling around Batman were at last addressed by him in a bold radio speech delivered last evening over Gotham City airwaves. What follows is a complete transcript of his remarks:

"Good evening."

"Earlier today, in Gotham District Court, the arch-villain STARR forced me to respond to questions that no superhero would want to answer. The questions focussed on what I now admit was an inappropriate relationship I had with my crime-fighting intern, Robin. This type of involvement with my young sidekick represents a personal failure for me, especially since it resulted in pain for the two people I care about most in the world, my butler Alfred and Commissioner Gordon."

"While I take full responsibility for my actions, I would like now to forever put to rest certain wild stories about me which have been circulating in the tabloid press."

  • Yes, I use certain gadgets of my own invention in my work: the Batrope, Batcopter, etc., but there is no, I repeat, no such thing as a Bat-tickler.
  • At no time did I ever ask Robin to lie, except as regards our secret identities.
  • I know of no orgies that took place at Justice League of America meetings. Every superhero I met there is, as far as I know, an upstanding citizen. The Flash, whom I am proud to refer to as a friend, has beaten his addiction to amphetamines.
  • I have never met Lois Lane, Lana Lang, or the Bionic Woman, despite the repeated linkage of their names with mine in the press. The photograph purporting to show me naked, trussed up with Wonder Woman's golden lariat, is an obvious phony.
  • I have never huffed kryptonite.
  • The Green Lantern and I are just friends.

"Now, in the interest of complete candor, I would like to say a few words about some reported incidents in which I was culpable."

  • In an earlier deposition, I answered a question from the arch-villain STARR concerning my whereabouts at a certain point in time by saying that Robin and I were 'enjoying ourselves on the cape.' While my answer was legally correct, I regret that it was misinterpreted by some people to mean that my sidekick and I were vacationing at some peninsular resort. The cape in question has been sent out for DNA analysis.
  • On three occasions in 1998 I chose to ignore Batsignal beacons from Commissioner Gordon because I wanted to stay home and watch The X-Files. I regret this.
  • The recent refurbishment of the Batcave was, in part, paid for by funds solicited by Alfred from Chinese businessmen, but at the time I had no idea they were henchmen of the evil Penguin!
  • I am now aware that emissions from the Batmobile do not meet government guidelines. I am working on a Batalytic converter.
  • Although he is a nefarious evil-doer and consummate over-actor, I now admit freely that The Riddler has always cracked me up.

"Finally, before I sign off, I must say that it is true that I appeared at several crime-fighting emergencies wearing Batgirl's uniform. Mine was being dry-cleaned, I swear!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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