Another one for the World's Dumbest Criminal files happened late last night at the Kia Manufacturing Plant on Skidmark Drawer Rd., Hoboken, New Jersey.
Convicted felon, and current parolee, Iam Reely Adickhead, broke into the ball bearing making plant just after 10pm. Finding a wall of vending machines in the lunchroom, Iam broke into each one filling up a steel bucket with nickles, dimes, and quarters. Apparently, not satisfied with the change, Iam torched open the dollar changer, and took the paper bills from there.
From all of the hard work, Iam must have gotten hungry because there was an empty microwave burger package, half-empty chip bag, and 2 soda cans drained of their contents lying on one of the lunch room tables. Full now, and apparently satisfied with his new found wealth, Iam decided it was time to have a little sex before he went about his way.
Walking over to a belt sander, Iam cranked it up for a round of masturbatory mayhem right out of hell. While the belt sander was running, Iam apparently eased up to the contraption and let his balls dangle over the sanding disk occasionally letting them touch while he stroked his crank. Whether Iam was talking to the machine with words, and sounds of endearment, and ecstasy, we can only speculate.
In whatever fashion, Iam became careless and he found his nuts being pulled in a manner that caused him to move closer to the machine's inner workings. Just as Iam was about to blast off, his nuts got caught. Ripped right open they did. Frantic now, Iam didn't know what to do.
Calling the police was out of the question, so he improvised. Holding his balls with a bunch of paper towels, now bloody, Iam searched, and found an industrial stapler where he attempted to staple his scrotum sac back together to hold his exposed testicles in. Just as he was pulling up his bloodied pants, the police stormed in catching Iam in a most compromising position.
Of course, Iam was rushed to the hospital where personnel furiously worked to put Iam's nuts back together. Promptly after that, Iam was arrested, and arraigned right in his hospital room. Apparently, the judge who arraigned Iam was sympathetic because he gave him a $5000 personal bond, and a condition that he not come within 500 feet of a belt sander or stapler..
This is actually a true story, the name, and some circumstances were changed to protect the dumbness of the character.